the sound of green

time's up!

2006-04-13T14:17:00.000+10:00

Okay, the day has finally dawned upon us. This is it! No longer will you visit my blog here. No longer will you return here to read. From now on, you will be heading somewhere...else!

So, all you RSS freaks, time up change your feeds! Sure, you can keep the feeds for this one...but it's not going to get you much at all! Update! All of you!

Post:
http://www.jamesburke.com.au/blog/?feed=rss2
Comments:
http://www.jamesburke.com.au/blog/?feed=comments-rss2

Head there now!

www.jamesburke.com.au/blog

i've been undone

2006-04-12T22:55:00.000+10:00

So this post is supposed to be about my feet. More correctly, this was supposed to be about how Sam has this non-existent mythical power that makes my shoe laces come undone around her. Which is true - I've been wearing the same shoes for 10hrs straight today, and not once have they come undone - not like 5 times in 1.5 hrs.

But this post isn't about Sam. In fact, this post has nothing to do with Sam.

This is a post about dumbasses. The kind of people who do completely dumbass things. Like this guy.

I mean, who really stops four or five metres into the intersection? This is why we have laws against using mobile phones while driving. The guy paid no attention to where he was going, and sailed right on through before realising that yes, (ohcrapohcrapohcrap) that is a red light. I mean, Gosh!

Idiot!

And yes, I know this post really has nothing to do with anything (and yes, I really need to stop accidentally hitting that publish button before I've finished writing my posts). But there were complaints, and those complaints merited some attention. And seeing as I don't have a bunny and a pancake handy, this will just have to do.

i wonder...

2006-04-10T00:43:00.000+10:00

How come no one I know calls me chocolate bear?

Seriously, these are the kinds of questions that keep me awake into the wee hours of the morning. I mean, Turk and I have so many similarities! We're both dark skinned; both impeccibly fine specimens of the male species. We both shave our head, both have shiny heads ("hey, you're right, I can see my reflection in it!"), and both keep those wonderful domes well moisturised and looked after.

So if he can have Zach Braff walking up to him on a morning shift, calling him chocolate bear, and asking whether he's waxed his head today so he can steal some wax for his hair, why can't I?!

late night music

2006-04-04T16:47:00.000+10:00

I think I've realised that my ears are somehow linked to BoingBoing. Tenuous, but bear with me.

Recently there has been a spate of posts about ear-wax cleaning on BoingBoing - leading to many many people wondering when it is all going to end. Now, I've long been a firm anti-ear-wax person, frequently cleaning them out. My reasoning was that I quite frequently use ear-buds and headphones - making me prone to an increase in ear-wax build up, if my urban mythology serves me correctly.

I wondered whether there was anything to this sudden craze. And so one night, at about 3am, I took off my headphones. And it was then I realised I'd been wearing them for too long.

Yep, that's right. I have custom ear-shape-imprinted headphones.

as the feather falls

2006-03-27T00:17:00.000+11:00

The Zero Movement Manifesto certainly got it right: Now you can have real taste with zero sugar. So why can't life be more like Coca-Cola Zero? All the good bits with zero negative stuff.

So how about a pillow fight with zero pillow fighters?

I turned up yesterday at the proper time and place to witness the event that was supposed to be Pillow Fight Melbourne, only to find that no one showed up. I stood around and waited for 15 minutes, and no one showed up. There is nothing wrong with that photo. Besides the fact there should be people hitting each other with pillows in it.

And so, I turned around and went home.

new blog

2006-03-22T20:48:00.000+11:00

And so I've finally pulled my finger out, and moved up and beyond Blogger.

Well, the first step has been made.

The sound of green will soon be moving from these humble pages to the freer pages of...well...me. The new blog will soon contain all the past posts and comments from this blog, so in essence it's just moving homes. But that's not happening quite yet. Not until I can work out how to enable the CURL extension for PHP on my webserver.

Anyone want to help?

Roh?

Anyone even got any idea what that means?

From the people who brought you...

2006-03-17T21:02:00.000+11:00

Pillow fights in various cities, comes the latest edition:

Pillow Fight Australia.

And while the initial date was set for tomorrow, the 18th March, it has been pushed back for one week due to interest only starting to grow now.

And so, next saturday, come by the city, and swing a pillow. I'll be there, I might even drag some friends with me. However, I'll be holding a camera, not swinging a pillow.

Maybe a camera pillow.

mid-life crisis?

2006-03-14T23:41:00.000+11:00

For those if you who haven't seen me for the past couple of weeks (which will be the majority of my readers) won't realise that I, in fact, have hair.

Yes, that's right, hold onto your panties, I have hair.

Three years ago I initially beginning to shave the famous dome, and upon discovering a look that I was finally happy with, I decided not to grow the hair back. Unless extenuating circumstances dictated. With a brief interlude for an overseas trip that required hair (we don't mention it), the dome has been scraped clean frequently, up to daily, and everyone has been much happier for it. Until that fateful day.

It would have been a few months ago, when I realised that in the two or three days between shaves, the not-so-precious hair on my very-precious shaved head wasn't growing back as it once used to. Fast forward a couple of months, and I find myself having hip surgery, and disappearing from the world for two and a half weeks - the perfect chance to conduct some experientation.

And so, for the past 16 days, I have not shaved my head. And the results have miffed me somewhat.

Yes, it doesn't grow back completely. Should this happen with the genes involved on mother's father's side? Receding hairline, but that's it. Could it be the by-product of three years worth of shaving - entirely possible, as there is one spot where it grows a lot less than any other spot. Am I merely getting old? I'd say yes, everyone older than me would vehemently protest that I am not old. But hell, hip surgery, arthritis and going bald? Surely it's three strikes and you're out!

Hipster

2006-03-11T01:07:00.000+11:00

I realised I never actually filled you all in on what happened. Sure, some of you know from snippets of conversations, but here's the full story so far.

Monday week ago - 27th Feb - I went into hip surgery. Had a right hip arthroscopy done, keyhole surgery that cut out the torn cartilage inside the joint. The surgery went fine from what I can gather - I came out at the normal time, and my surgeon didn't pop his face into the recovery room to inform me in that dreaded way, "I'm afraid there were some complications..."

Drove straight up to Mum & Dad's after surgery, and have thus spent the past two weeks up here, recovering. My days consist of getting up, putting clothes on, having breakfast, and then lying on the couch until I go to sleep again that night. And frick, am I dying here.

I need human interaction. I need something to do. I need anything that will change the undying routine of being stuck on my ass in front of the tv, or with my laptop plugged into the network.

Get me out of here.

Stuart

2006-03-08T01:43:00.000+11:00

I found out he committed suicide last July.

And while I don't regret what happened between his sister and I, I do sometimes wonder whether if I still saw him, whether I'd have been able to make a difference.

i'm a catch

2006-02-22T23:53:00.000+11:00

I even do my own ironing.

And for some reason, people absolutely love this shot....or so Flickr tells me.

toys, toys, random visits

2006-02-20T23:22:00.000+11:00

Today saw me heading to the airport to pick up Roger, his mum, and his sister (who is now also studying over here in Melbourne). We absolutely piled Sam to the brim, and he even managed to fly down those freeway on-ramps, overtaking Commodores and Land Rovers. I love my car.

Toy number 1:
Got my new lens. I tell you what - this is the toy to end all toys. A fantastic lens - head to my flickr account to see some of the shots I took tonight. Lovely.

Roger and I spent the rest of the afternoon driving his sister and mother around to various places to get sister sorted with her moving into International House. When that was all done, we got back to Roger's place.

Toy number 2:
Helped Rog install his new wireless network over the apartment. I still find wireless just so cool. But even cooler was what we were using to sort it all out - his brand new 15-inch G4 PowerBook.

I want one.

Finally headed off to work after getting his wireless card installed in his desktop too - and I tell you what, I miss not having a house wiht a computer in every room. There's just something so...right about it.

Random visit:
Was halfway through my work for the night when Richelle sms'd basically saying "I'm lost in St Kilda, if I find a cafe, want to come join me?" - an offer I wasn't going to turn down, especially with the mind-numbing work. Told her I'd get there asap after work was done, and headed down to sit and chat with her for the better part of an hour. Twas great.

But undoubtedly (sorry Chel) the best news is the new lens. Seriously. It's fantastic. And my kit is now complete.

Finally.

st valentine

2006-02-15T01:05:00.000+11:00

These poor guys. It's 7:32pm, and only now they're lining up to get flowers for the significant other that would go nuts were he to have returned from work without them. All I can say is thank goodness that florist was still stocking so late....and that they can pass off lillies or tulips as originality, not disorganisation.

As to my day of love, it's just rammed home the singleness. A word to the wise - never go to the cinema on Valentine's Day unless you're with your partner. It's severely depressing otherwise. I saw a few hundred people during the time I was lining up. And I was definately the only single person.

*raises bottle*

Here's to me. And another year without forking out money on roses. As much as I'd like to.

Salut.

asian dreaming

2006-02-01T01:54:00.000+11:00

What is it with these films that make me want to jump fully into an asian culture so much? It happened to some extent with a few films I saw last year (incidentally, while studying Asian Cinemas for my Cinema Studies major at university)...but this one has done it a lot more completely.

I walked out of Memoirs of a Geisha and almost felt like I was in Malaysia. The Jam Factory almost has that tinge to it, that I'm sure none of you know what I'm talking about. But for that faintest of seconds, I was sure as I came out of that cinema that I actually was in a shopping complex in KL, and that it was going to be a nice, cool 27-degrees outside of the air-conditioned comfort, with humidity enough to drown a fish in. And as I walked towards the exit, I passed a small place that had those signs up. Roti Canai. Fresh made.

The fried kuey teoh tonight didn't help much. Nor talking to the elder lady at Little Malaysia on Liverpool St about how much chilli I wanted in it.

Am I missing Malaysia? For all the time I have spent there, it still pales into comparison to the years I've lived here in Australia. So why does it still feel like home?

how reformed are we?

2006-01-23T00:08:00.000+11:00

Last night, at a rather fun 21st that saw me zipping up to Sydney for, met a guy called Dave. Dave's a theology student up in Sydney, and we got talking about the church as we find it in this day an age, in Australia (and the greater western world in general too).

One of the things that was brought up was the question of how reformed we are in our "modern church"? Dave put forward an interesting position that all modern christianity and all it entails (particularly the way we go about structuring our life and activities in terms of our faith) is merely reformed Catholicism, nothing more. Making the focus the Sunday services is reforming Mass. Whereas, if we wanted to actually get back to the way the early church structured and balanced life/faith, it'd be a whole different way of life.

What seems to be holding us back is the culture that we have built Christianity into. If we were to shuck the traps that have become of our faith, then it'd require a complete breakdown and rebuilding of the culture it has been married to.

Any thoughts?

heart attack

2006-01-20T00:01:00.000+11:00

Whatever you do. WHATEVER.

Never.

Ever.

Buy a lens without a UV protector filter. I shat myself this morning when I discovered this.

It's all good. My lens is alive.

So am I.

the faint glimmer

2006-01-18T18:42:00.000+11:00

Last night I did something for the first time in a very long time. I prayed. More than that, though; I prayced sincerely. There was something about just opening myself up, of letting myself get scared that shocked me into action - the panic began to surface. And in realising that panic, I prayed.

I asked God to show me a way out of the darkness. I echoed Lucy's cry for help, and asked Him to give me a light by which to guide myself. I asked Him to lead me out of the dark, and to where I could once more drink the living waters.

That's all it was, a simple prayer. But in its simplicity it echoed with sincerety. It was a cry for help from one who had finally realised just how lost he was.

As I prayed that, something happened. It was just for an instant before other things began crowding it out. But for that instant, I felt the joy of realisation, and the joy of being accepted back totally and wholly. It was just a taste of what is in store.

There's a lot of work to do. There's a lot of time and ground that needs to be taken back. There's lost time that needs to be made up for.

But a change has been made. While the cold, the emptiness, the numbness still remain, there is something else in there. There is that faint glimmer of hope.

There is now something to look forward to. It is no longer an entire consumation by the darnkess. The faintest of glimmers of light is visible. And that light sprints hope eternal.

the endless search

2006-01-18T01:37:00.000+11:00

I think that it's close to once every couple of nights that I'll hit the button, open the tab in my browser, and sit here with a blank post before me. Not simply out of boredom, or of wondering whether I could find something to blog about. I just can't get it out of my head and onto the page, so to speak.

I fear I'm losing my words. Losing to ability to write what I feel, to capture that emotion. So much goes through my head that I just seem to lose. I can't grab a hold on it, I can't pin it down and tell you just what it is that's running through my head - and as such, I can't seem to process it as well as I used to. The thoughts, the feelings go rushing past, and I can latch onto them momentarily. There's that short period of time where I can feel them, listen to them, understand them. But straight away they're gone.

Why am I losing this? Why does it feel like I'm losing so many different parts of me. They're slowly slipping away, like figures into the mist. They're still there, if I search hard enough. But after being separated, they're never the same, and they continue to drift further and further away. And one day I'm going to look up, look around me, and find that I can no longer find them.

What is going to happen on that day? What is going to become of me when I find that these little parts of me that have kept me together, kept me going, have played their part in building who I am, have slipped away? What will I do when I cannot find what should be so naturally ingrained? What will have I become?

It's something in itself that I can't bring myself to think about too readily or concentratedly. That image is too strong, of myself standing there alone in the mist, searching frantically for all the parts that have disappeared from view, but knowing with a detached clarity in my mind that I will not find them. That moment when reality overcomes my panic, will even the harsh cold numb me then? Or will it simply be too much?

city lights, streets at night

2006-01-16T01:54:00.000+11:00

Where there were talks of a visit to a Beer Garden, plans were demolished. And raised in its place was a laid back night of fish and chips on Fitzroy St, and fun & frivolity that followed back at my place.

The original plan was that Jess & Paul, Richelle, Miranda (one of Richelle's work friends) and I were going to this Beer Garden after church tonight. Not entirely sure why, where it was, or anything really, but Richelle had sms'd me and asked whether I wanted to go. Beer Garden. Can't say no.

At church I approached them to find out where this place was. And promptly found out that we'd(they'd)decided not to go! Instead, fish and chips down St Kilda way was in order - which was fine for me. The less time spent in Montmorency the better.

And to St Kilda we went!

It was one of those perfect nights - not overly hot, but a warmish night where you want to be outside. And so we sat outside on the street, and many a chip and souvlaki was consumed. Fish was lacking. But then again, so was the service. Taking an order, and then making it straight away is not the most efficent way of serving customers.

And the moon! A wonderful bright moon, casting its warm light over us. In fact, I think I'll go shoot it.

a trip to the museum

2006-01-09T17:27:00.000+11:00

So much for the forecasting abilities of the Bureau of Meteorology. 36 degrees and sunny? I wish! As a result, the plan to go to the beach with my sister and one of our friends, while they were down in Melbourne, was laid to rest pretty quickly. We decided that the Museum was a good idea - none of us had gone since it had changed location a few years back, and it's free for students/concessions. Handy.

The Museum was quite nice. Airconditioned, so it guarded against the residual 32-degree heat that was slowly coming around outside. Not only that - it was fun! Walking around looking at various stuff. Personally, I was a big fan of the animals. For some reason absolutely loved the stuffed wolf - it was a beautiful creature.

Followed the time at the Museum with a trip down Brunswick St to find Trampoline and get gelati. Although any form of fresh ice-cream on hot day = messy. Rather messy. I think for the first time in a long time, I managed to eat it all before it melted all over my shirt, as is usually the case.

And just where we were parked, found a random blue door that doesn't quite match up with the pavement below it.

i want

2006-01-07T00:09:00.000+11:00

I want to be a photo journalist

I want to be be a portrait artist

I want to photograph weddings

I want to document what happens

And I want to capture joy

a letter to a friend

2006-01-05T23:27:00.000+11:00

...So tonight I'll do something I haven't done for a while. I'll pray. And one of the things I'll do is pray for you. I'll pray for you, whatever you're doing, wherever you are, whatever you are up against. And I pray that the amazing, intelligent, wise and beautiful girl that I know will shine through in all circumstances, and through that both face any challenges life presents with confidence, as well as shining the light of Christ to all of those she comes in contact with. Because I know they'd be greatly blessed and lucky to get to know who you are.

I look up to you, I really do. You're amazingly gifted and talented in ways that I could never hope to be - and those that I do try in, I am but a shadow compared to the brilliance of your skills. And you have such an amazing loyalty to your friends that I admire so much. So I pray you'll continue to grow in those ways, and that your faith and loyalty to your friends will be something that sets you apart from others.

I really get frustrated at myself, sometimes, when I talk to you. You're an amazing person, there's so much I'd love to learn about you, and talk to you about, but I find myself most of the time just being a silly immature kid, hiding behind the silliness and flirting. I hide behind them, because they allow me to direct attention away from what is really going on. And what lies beneath is by far a lot less sure or certain.

I don't know who I am anymore. I turn inwards to try and find who I really am, what part of me is the real me, and not the characters and constructs I have built up around me over the years, even over only the last few. So much of who I am has been taken over by what I have created myself to be, someone a lot more confident and sure of themselves than they really are; someone who actually knows what is going on, someone who is in touch with God and is yearning after His heart. And while I do struggle at times to find out what lies beneath it all, at the sum of who I am, I know that it's not what I have built myself up to be. My faith has been motionless for far too long to continue to blame it on an old relationship turning sour. The fact of the matter is I haven't spent any decent time in prayer, or studying the Word, or even just spending time in the presence of God for the better part of two years now. Somehow, somewhere along the way I got distracted from what was really important, and while I was neglecting these things, I was stripped back, broken down and crushed to my core. And while I thought that I could just turn around and ask for help, I realised that I'd crossed a line that I had to re-cross to be able to do anything about it. The problem is I've never had the courage to make that step.

When I spend the time to get inside the construct of my person, it shames me how much I lack as a person. I lack the ability to be as good a friend as I would want to be. I lack the ability to love as I would like to. And along the way, I've lost the ability to be able to sit and talk with almost anyone and talk for hours. It shows in the physical too. It scares me when I realise that I now have problems getting words out in the right order, clearly and understandable - something I never used to have. I used to be one of the clearest and most articulate speakers I knew. And now, whether it be with friends, strangers or clients, I'll stumble my way through sentences, and take several goes to get a phrase out the right way around. Something has happened along the way, and it scares me.

Somewhere inside me, the real me is dying to get out. He is in there; I know he has not been entirely diminished. And while I know my conversation has been shallow, circular, and entirely repetitious, I'm asking for you to help me. When you're talking to me, don't let me get caught in that trap. Encourage me. Guide me. Rebuke me. Remind me of the better life I once led, the life fulfilled in Christ. Point me in the right direciton, and pray that I'll get there. Because a life this ordinary and meaningless scares me. It really does.

heat effects

2005-12-31T02:17:00.000+11:00

I'm telling you, there are some benefits from having a screwed up body. My knee tells me when the weather's going to change.

Of late, the things with my body have been mounting up and up. My hip tally now stands at X-rays, an MRI scan, and two CT scans. Today saw me running back to Victoria House Medical Imaging to get the second run of CT scans done - the guy forgot to do a section yesterday when I was in. Apparently I might have a twisted femur. Fun.

In good news, surgery has been booked. 27th of February, 2006 will see me going under to have the torn labrum fixed, as well as possibly having some of the top of the femur shaved off.

In not so good news, Cozza decided to once again remind me how painful arthroscopies are last night, which has me wincing already. I'm planning on taking the whole week off, and setting up camp and Mum & Dad's house, and sending them in for DVDs every couple of days. I don't know - it's one of those weird things that I'm both looking forward to, and entirely dreading.

And in closing news, my Orthapedic Surgeon has decided to take holidays until mid-late January, so I won't find out for a few weeks whether or not my bones are getting shaved. Thank goodness the medical professionals make sure they take enough time to ensure they are fully rested and recovered, before starting back for the year come February.

stranger kindness

2005-12-30T01:19:00.000+11:00

I've realised that over the past week, something has been happening that has been completely unexpected. Although, unexpected is not entirely the right word. It's simply something I've never really thought about.

Today I realised it though, when a lady on the street asked me for my help. Her car key had broken off her keyring, and had fallen under her car, and she wasn't able to reach it. She asked me to see if I could reach it for her - which I could - and with a simple "that's alright" in response to her thanks, I just kept walking along Russel St.

It made me think about just these random occurances where I've had the opportunity to help a total stranger in their moment of need. The day before, I was able to lift a lady's pram up a small flight of stairs that she was struggling to negotiate by herself; last week I was able to help a lady with her car in the carpark at work. Seemingly all of a sudden these chances have happened, and I've been able to help out, and just be that totally random smiling guy who is more than happy to help where he can. My question, though, is whether I'm supposed to be learning something from this? Because it does keep happening.

mid-summer night's dream

2005-12-28T00:04:00.000+11:00

Summer is here, and the nights are waiting.

I find myself staying up later and later, the curse of a man without day-time employment. However, it's not all bad. The new housemate has a rather nice DVD collection, and doesn't seem to notice when I watch them in my room at 2am. So the nights aren't all that boring.

I'm slipping into a routine that's not too fun. Life's that little bit too....convenient. Things fall into place for me. I don't have any major job developments, but I'm managing for the moment with added photography contracts. And I just get the feeling that if I stay in this groove for too long, it's not going to be the best for me.

And to be honest, I miss a fair few people I haven't had contact with over the past few weeks. Must change that. Must get ADSL on. Must ring and abuse iinet.

there's a intergalactical wormhole in my extractor

2005-12-16T22:54:00.000+11:00

Seriously. I'm at work tonight doing the front entrance, steam cleaning all the matts. And for the first few minutes, I'm pumping out a few litres of water as steam, and sucking it all back in. And nothing's going into my extractor. All that water can't be sitting in my pipes.

There's some poor unhappy sod somewhere out there in the multiverse, who all of a sudden gets dumped the rancid waste-water containing the dirt of thousands of people's feet all over his head.

Poor chap.

Incidentally, I now live in St Kilda, am the proud owner of one tenth of a lens hood for my BMF lens, and have graduated. But that's just inner-page matter.

australian pride

2005-12-13T00:24:00.000+11:00

pop that national ego

2005-12-11T00:28:00.000+11:00

Australia? A world-player? Hardly.

Interesting map of the world based on population sizes. Shows you just how small we really are. And how quite severely outnumbered we are.

quack goes the penguin

2005-12-08T23:21:00.000+11:00

I should so be a duck right now

when you no longer recognise the man in the mirror

2005-12-04T23:59:00.000+11:00

...it is time to go back and find out when you stopped being that man.

Do you ever catch a glimpse of your reflection, and take notice of how unfamiliar it looks at time?

I got thinking tonight about how much I have changed - from what I should be. Sure, change can be and is a good thing, and I embrace a lot of the change I've gone through over the last couple of years - but there are some things I've lost in the changing that I shouldn't have. What Andrew was preaching about tonight reminded me of what I have lost.

Joy. Have I lost the joy from my life? To some extent I'd plead a 'no', but the inherent joy that I used to experience is no longer there. Is that a part of maturing? I don't know. That's the problem with maturing by yourself - is not knowing whether things are normal. And I really should find someone to talk to - but that's part of the problems. More on that later though. But joy - is that smile on my face as often as it used to be? Do I wander around seeing the joy, the wonder in things as I once used to? At times I do, but at other times, it's the last thing I feel like. Am I just losing my innocence and naievety? Or have I let go of that joy I held onto so tightly?

One of the things I have noticed, however, is how I no longer share as willingly or as openly as I used to. There used to be a time where when I was with ppl I knew and trusted, I'd just out there with stuff. Now...I struggle with that. Especially with my Small Group - and there's no reason I should. I know that those people offer nothing but love and support...but there's something that stops me from sharing.

I've drawn more inward - it's another one of those things that has changed. Where I used to rely on my friends to keep me sane and supported, I find that I don't really have that any more. I went through a stage where I lost pretty much all of the close friends I had, and have never really gained such close friends to replace them. I have gotten to know some awesome people since then, and are really good friends with them, but they're not the kind of people I could knowingly call at 3am if I had a problem or needed prayer. Losing those friends was the beginning of becoming a lot more self-sufficient emotionally, which has taught me various things. But I also think it has caused some problems. Two problems that have surfaced predominantly, that may be linked more closely than I'd like to let myself believe.

Pride is something that keeps popping up more and more and more. Part of me tells me that I need to have this perfect front up for people to see, the strong Burkie that has it all together, has life all sorted out, and is just riding the efforts of his hard work. Below the surface, it's far from that - the real Burkie is riding something, but he doesn't know where it is, where it's taking him, or even what is in that direction. In all honesty, I don't know what's going on with my life most of the time, where it's heading, why it's heading in those possible directions, or even where it could end up. I have no idea what things are in store for me, and part of that bugs the hell out of me.

Yet even with all this uncertaintly, I still feel the need over and over to keep up the front that Burkie has it all together. At church especially, when I'm sitting in my seat, rocked to my core, there's that part of me that refuses to give in, and let me show that I don't have it together; that I don't know the answers to the questions, and that I need help figuring it out. That I need help even identifying what the questions are.

And I can't help but get the impression that this is linked oh-so-closely to the fact that I hardly ever pick up my bible when it's not to carry it to church, and hardly ever pray any more than when I'm in trouble and need help. This has gone on for....too long. I'd be lying if I said it was a problem that had been confined to this year. I can even really identify a point where it came to a crux where it really bothered me - and that was in Malaysia with Mum in June/July 2004. That's how long this has been going on - me existing as a shell of a man of sorts. It's like teh whole spiritual side of me is pretty much dead. Sure, it has its moments. And turning up to church is good, and good things happen. But in the silence by myself? There's nothing. It's such a struggle to just step across the chasm that I've created between God and myself. There's a wall I've put up without realising, and now I'm faced with the problem of working out how to rip it down again.

And I need to rip it down. It's too often now that I find myself thinking about how I've become the way I am....and just who I have become. I have no idea any more of who I am, or who I'm supposed to be. It just seems like all touchstones have been hidden, and I need to find them.

I guess this is the first step of sorts. In swallowing some of that growing pride and admitting that I need help figuring this out. It's gone on far too long, but I've also let it go way too long to make a resolution to change my ways - I don't have any faith in myself to be able to do so. I feel like I need people to come along side me and help me. The only problem is, I don't know what I need to do.

sing fat lady, sing!

2005-11-29T13:03:00.000+11:00

It's now officially over. Uni has been passed. All that's required is the shouting, and the grad ceremony.

Here's to 16 hour days, currently!

my dear troubled reader

2005-11-23T00:12:00.000+11:00

It is with a deep regret that I wrote to you on such an occasion, to inform you of what has happened.

Sadly, I was mistake. What I thought I was able to do, I am now no longer able to. I have realised that I am not going to complete Let Sleeping Dragons Lie before the end of the NaNoWriMo month. In fact, I have failed rather miserably in my attempt to reach 50,000 words in the calendar month of November.

However, there is hope on the horizon for you. I do intend to finish the work, and to round it off somewhere post-50,000. And for your pleasure, I will be updating it and actually posting it in its ongoing status online, for you to be able to read. I am terribly sorry, but hope that your grief will be comforted by the fact that you will still see the work in its completed form, sometime within the not-too-distant future.

I apologise for getting your hopes up that you would have new reading material come December 1st, 2005. In hindsight, however, I was fooling myself to think I could have done it easily. 2000 words a day, huh? Doesn't sound too bad. Sure, I could have done it. But I just didn't really want to put myself under the kind of pressure that it would have taken (not to mention crazy hours) to complete this work within the time frame. And somewhere, deep down inside myself, I knew it wasn't going to happen.

I shall post soon, with a link to the first 10,000-odd words, and hopefully will keep you informed and advised of progress that is made.

Sincerely yours,

James Burke, Esq.

A lovely day for protest and action

2005-11-15T23:58:00.000+11:00

It was a fight to get up. But that was not the last fight of the day.

Today saw the protest of John Howard's new IR reforms in Melbourne, with a huge turnout - estimated numbers anywhere from 150,000 to 175,000. It was an awesome site, seeing so many people congregated in one place.

Spent the morning working my way through crowds, alternatively pushing and asking my way through people standing together to get shots I wanted. I got them, in the end, and when the march started in earnest, I jumped to the front (by some smooth and quick movements around some back alleys) with the rest of the photogs, and spent the march from Fed Square to Carlton Gardens in front of the massed thousands.

An interesting insight into the way pros work. And it would be nice to be driven around on the back of a ute to take your photos, too! Nice feeling to get treated as an equal amongst them, too, while shooting the front of the pack.

My flickr account has but the slightest of tastes of what it was like.

Melbourne 24/7

2005-11-06T14:14:00.000+11:00

I've begun a new project to do something on the side of everything. Something I had planned to start earlier, but hadn't been able to do so due to equipment limtations. So consider this the unveiling.

Melbourne 24/7 is a photographic project looking at the city of Melbourne. Images are taken wherever, whenever, at any time of day or night, capturing some of the essense of what this city of ours is.

The images are available through either RSS2.0 or Atom syndication of the Melbourne 24/7 flickr stream.

So, if you don't have an RSS reader, go get one, get the feeds, and enjoy!

underway

2005-11-05T00:04:00.000+11:00

Wrimo's well and truly underway - abuot 10% of the way to the target, roughly around the 5000 word stage. We're getting there...it's actually flowing a lot easier than I thought it would. Work's a brilliant place to write, both after i arrive but before I can get into the offices, and on my break as well. Just...no distractions there. I can sit and write and write and write.

Let Sleeping Dragons Lie is well and truly underway, then.

Actually, I say well and truly, but I lie. There's so much to cover between now and 50,000 words...so I wonder just whether this might turn out to be easier than I thought it would. Having a rough sketch for plot outlines and sub-plots of varying strength. That morning at Richelle's cafe was a brilliant morning, in that sense.

But to be writing again! Ach! It is so wonderful! I cannot explain just how good it feels to be sitting down, to be writing. I did not realise how much I have missed it, nor realise how much i would miss it! It's like...to use a somewhat overused analogy, it is like being set free again. Such a feeling of lightness. It makes me wonder if it's one of the few things that's keeping me sane, now that my life has taken a turn for the flat.

the land of the free

2005-11-04T00:18:00.000+11:00

So I no longer have any more Uni. Ever. That's it. All over.

I've got the screening monday night for our final year films, which shall be fun. But...all assignments have been handed in. All that is left is graduation.

And so I am free.

Getting on top of some things though. Insurance on camera gear. Resume to be finalised, and a job to be sought. So it's a period of change, one can say.

NaNoWriMo's on the go, which is a good thing.

Most unusual thing done today: Not quite unusual, but I got woken up by a thunderstorm. And I emptied out a rubbish bin that had 2 inches of liquid in the bottom. Oh! No, I have it.

Filled up my car with petrol, and paid with coins.

my baby

2005-11-04T00:03:00.000+11:00

Okay, so I finally did it. I finally bought me a digital body.

I am now the proud owner of a Nikon D100, with MB-D100 batt pack to give it the vertical grip, shutter release, and command dials. And....it's a dream. An absolute dream.

I'm in heaven. With my baby.

Okay, sure. I get it like a day after Nikon announced its replacement, the D200. And yes, I did suspect something when I got such a good price on it. But hey, it meant I got a hella good price on what is still a hella good camera. And I'm definately happy.

on your mark

2005-10-31T23:08:00.000+11:00

And so it begins. Less than an hour, and November begins - and so does NaNoWriMo.

Do I have a plan? Yes. Does it have the legs to go 50,000 words? Probably. Is it going to happen?

That's another matter altogether.

I'll update you as we go along. And I should head over to the site just to find out any info I should know before I start!

early saturday morning

2005-10-29T09:38:00.000+10:00

"We are but 20, and look at what we must do..."

closer

2005-10-25T23:16:00.000+10:00

I've had a song by Damien Rice - "The Blowers Daughter" in my head for the past two days. What is it about that song that cuts to my heart so instantaneously?

The result of the song was my going and hiring Closer again. There was always something that kind of shocked me into absolutely loving that film. I think I finally realised what it was.

The film...reminds me too much of the breakup with my exgirlfriend, of how it all ended. My own Natalie Portman reached that moment where she had to choose whether to accept it and surrender to it, or to fight against it. And she chose to fight it.

That was it. From that moment, the decision was made. Her decision was made not to love me anymore, and so she didn't. She became cold, selfish, heartless. In an instant, the future we could have had was snuffed out.

This song; this film - it's just a little too close to home. And after watching it, the same things happen. At my desk I will sit, eyes defocussed and staring at nothing at all. Mind a million klicks from where its tethered to.

death wears a blue glove

2005-10-24T22:57:00.000+10:00

What death am I speaking of? The death of Uni, of course.

Handed in my final assignments this afternoon, after more than a little frustration, stress, worrying, and lack of sleep. Worked out I've written something in the order of 15,000 words over the last week and a half. And took me a couple of drinks last night to even face what I had to do.

But it's over. It's gone. It's all handed in. Now the fun begins.

Fun in the way of an Orthapedic Surgeon's appointment!

Tomorrow morning's d-day. Get to find out what's wrong, what can be done, and all that jazz. It'll be...interesting. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm more than just a little scared.

But we'll find out soon enough what's wrong. And how we can fix it.

Then I need me a day-job.

[nb - apologies, esp to sam who was expecting something more substantial to read...blame yourself. You're the one who distracted me with engaging conversation!]

so close

2005-10-20T15:55:00.000+10:00

Reason I've been rather absent last week or so - uni assignments. Seriously...it's nutso. One down, two in various stages of completion, and four full days before they're handed in.

eek.

write write write

2005-10-11T23:37:00.000+10:00

Read tonight about a challenge a friend of mine accepted - getting involved in NaNoWriMo. For those of you unitiated, that would be the National Novel Writing Month.

The whole idea of NaNoWriMo is that throughout the month of November, you aim to write a 50,000word novel - to be completed midnight, 30th November 2005. Why? Because it's a challenge to be set.

It's also a challenge that I'd been asked to take for the past three years. And so I am finally going to take it. I read the link, and the first things that went through my head were that I had no excuses for not doing it. I've been wanting to start writing again - I haven't for quite some time - and with my final assignments due in on November 2nd, there's nothing really preventing me from not writing.

As for ideas....I'll link when I actually start throwing some things together. And then throughout November you can follow along with me.

I make writing fun!

i'm getting old

2005-10-10T00:09:00.000+10:00

I was wondering the other day about a phenomena that seems to running rife throughout society these days. I noticed it, because for some reason I remembered back to a conversation I'd had with an acquaintance I hadn't seen for some substantial period of time. While I hadn't made any obvious or outright attempts at keeping much contact with this person, they were someone I was quite close to back when we used to be walking within the same spheres of existance.

The conversation itself, though, was something that as a child who was perhaps slightly more aware of his surroundings than was expected I noticed occuring amongst adults around me. It was the kind of convesation that was awkward while being polite. Both parties were putting up minimal effort at being polite, while not quite knowing where to go beyond the usual pleasantries with the conversation. It appeared to be a situation of two people seemingly forced to make some kind of conversation for convention sake.

What made it all the more awkward was the fact that I shared such a history with this person. Back when we used to spend time together, we spent a fair bit of time together. We did a lot together when we were younger, shared things with each other; and yet now there was an insurmountable barrier that prevented us from even mentioning how close we used to be, or the fun we had in the past. So very politely removed.

It's those kind of conversations I'd always associated as a child as the kind of conversations that grown-ups had.

Does that mean I'm grown up?

citywide wireless? i'd like to see that!

2005-10-05T00:39:00.000+10:00

Google are apparently bidding to completely unwire San Fransico completely, rolling out WiFi over the entirety of the city. My question is, however, wouldn't Melbourne be a much better test site than SF?

I mean, seriously. This is what I've longed and dreamed for since I discovered WiFi. Probably even before that.

Dag-nammit!

Link

stewardship, pride and that $100

2005-10-03T01:05:00.000+10:00

Friday morning Roh threw me an email regarding a conversation that he and another guy were having on his blog. The subject up for debate was the whole $100 challenge that was given to us by our pastor.

Matt made a couple of good points about whether the money should be spent overseas, and whether that was a cop out in terms of our responsibility to be accountable to the church body on how we spent the $100 that was invested in us. Throw into that the issue of pride, and it's a whole connundrum. But don't take my short summary for granted - read what actually has been going on here.

The interesting thing that Roh and I got discussing while cooking pancakes for desert, was how on earth you balanced things against each other. For instance, how do you make the decision about which would be the better alternative between spending the money here in the local community where you will be able to see it actually make a difference, and be able to impact someone's life and build from that; or spend the money overseas where the money will buy more, and do a lot more in terms of feeding people, or setting a village up to be closer to self-sufficient? Especially when the issue isn't quite so simple as is might seem.

One of the main tangle points that we came across was when it came to obligation in return for seeming acts of kindness. It occured to us that where many things we do in everyday life that are seemingly kind and generous, are often done because it is the "done thing", or we feel a sense of obligation to do so. Not only that, but when it comes to an act of kindness that is blessing someone - the whole concept of the $100 challenge - when it is done within our small community, there will always be an unspoken obligation from the recipient of the $100 to come along to Riverside as a result of being blessed. It may not be perpetrated by the giver, but as soon as a person finds out that they are being looked after and blessed because of Riverside church, there will always be some level of pressure to turn up at least once.

Should it be that way? That's a question that was thrown around a bit. Should our acts of blessing/kindness be ones that almost require bums-on-seats as a return? Should we be expecting anything in return for our works - whether we realise it consciously or not? Afterall, being able to spend some money to look after someone does play up nicely both to human pride, and to the innate chrisitan desire to be a top-notch, soul-saving christian, as Matt so eloquently pointed out.

As a result of that, how do we try to balance that against spending the money overseas or outside our community? Part of me wants to immediately spend the money somewhere where there will be no expected return, no thank you card, no nice conversation, no pats on the back. That part of me wants to send that money off overseas to somewhere I will never hear of it again; not by means of a cop-out of my responsibility of spending that money wisely, but in terms of knowing undoubtedly that the money I was asked to use to bless someone has blessed them, and has made a definite impact in their life. Add to that the fact that overseas in a third-world country, my AUD$100 is going to be worth a lot more than it is here, there's a lot more that can be done with it there; a lot more lives that can be impacted in a good way.

This makes me want to put the money behind a trip my sister is taking to Cambodia in December. It's something that will benefit a lot of orphans, and I know that it will get spent improving their standard of life as well as telling them the Good News. And if I haven't already posted about that, I'll haul my butt back here tomorrow and get some details up about that.

oops

2005-09-26T16:21:00.000+10:00

So last night, amidst the seeming crowd, we weren't sure whether a 6-pack would be enough for those of us who wanted to have a beer or two. I had another 6-pack in the garage, that wasn't in any hurry to be drunken, so we put it in the freezer to make sure they're cold by the time we want them.

Fun times were had by all, and quickly the extra beer was forgotten among the content drinkers. Movies were watched, people left, further movies were watched.

This morning, I started cleaning up the kitchen post-frivolity. Dishes were done, beer bottles put out in the recycling bin. Then all of a sudden a realisation.

Crap.

"i need something transported"

2005-09-26T00:43:00.000+10:00

Seriously. I just found my ultimate life-calling. I found the job that alongside photography, I would love to do for the rest of my life.

I want to be a transporter.

That's right. Tonight once again saw us back at my cosy unit for post-church entertainment, and upon the departure of the main bulk of people, Roh, Josh, Gordo and I sat down and watched one of the ultimate movies ever. The movie that has awakened my passion. The Transporter.

I want to be able to drive cars around, delivering packages with no questions asked. I want to be able to pull those kinds of moves on bad guys. And I too want to be able to take off my shirt at every available opportunity.

Serious. I want that job. I want the car, the suit, the guns, the lines, the coolness. Transporter's got it all.

still standing

2005-09-23T00:11:00.000+10:00

And just like that, I've been stood up. Not merely out somewhere. Not merely at my place. At someone else's house.

So a good friend of mine has some of my stuff, which I was needing to pick up from her tonight. She wasn't home when I rang this afternoon, so we arranged that if she didn't get to my place before I had to leave for work, I'd swing past her's on the way home from work - somewhere in the vacinity of 10:30pm.

I get to her place, park, head in, and one of her housemates lets me in the door. Sit down on the couch, start chatting to him, ask whether my friend is in. Much to my surprise, she's not. I ring her....and she completely forgot that I was going back to her place. Once again we make arrangements, she's supposed to be heading over to my place on her way home.

As of yet - no visitors. And you can see what the time is.

to those who wait...

2005-09-22T23:44:00.000+10:00

It's about time. I know. And most of you who talk about this frequently bug the hell out of me asking time after time after time. And so finally, you can start to see some of my work.

I got off my ass, and finally found my way back to flickr again. It took some persistent asking....but I got there. And so, I'm finally getting some of my work online for you to peruse at your leisure.

'bout bloody time!

danger hq and the b-team

2005-09-20T00:43:00.000+10:00

A dangerous church, huh? That seems to be currently what is being thrown around over yonder at Riverside. Yet something more dangerous is an ideal that I've found myself challenged with, set by a multi-national clothing brand.

Giordano. World Without Strangers.

I walked into their store last week, naively looking for some clothing. Two t-shirts (branded with said slogan) and a free wrist-band later, I walked out, with a niggling thought sticking in the back of my head. What if.

What if we could create a world without strangers?

I tried to explain this to someone. They ended up on some tangent that I actually had no idea how they got there, nor any idea what they were talking about. But a world without strangers is something that would spark a huge amount of change. Imagine a place where people know people everywhere - not neccessarily through the fact that they are in the same community, but what if it was because they were a part of a much wider group of people who had been touched by something huge?

An idea tossed around at small group monday week ago, in regards to the $100 challenge, was whether we could jump onboard the whole wrist-band movement, and get an 'encouragement' wristband. The idea stemmed from encouraging each other, and paying that forward to encouraging other people. What if we created a wrist-band that when people were given, they were also told that it was because someone wanted to encourage them? And in that same way, it was explained to them that they were to pay it forward to someone else, and buy them an wrist-band to encourage them? And from there, where? How far could it spread? Could you be walking down a street and spot someone sporting the same wrist-band, and then smile because you both realise that someone else has taken the time to encourage you and build you up? Imagine the...encouragement you would receive again, simply for the realisation that people are beginning to take some time in their lives to actually think about the people they care about and do something for it? It could change a generation. It could also make someone very rich...or very bankrupt.

Next Week: Burkie gets in a fight, and a shout-out to Kiwi Optometrists

what to do with a broken hip?

2005-09-14T00:41:00.000+10:00

I was at Mum & Dad's lovely country retreat a week and a half ago, and just as I was leaving, Mum decided to talk to me about what had happened the time before that I visited.

Previously, I had arrived back in Ellinbank late one thursday night to get up early the next morning for a doctor's appointment. The reason? Hip and knee pain. Mum (a physiotherapist by trade) had looked at my hip and knee a few weeks prior to this visit, because I'd been complaining about pain in my knee. Much to my surprise - and even moreso to hers - we found out that my right hip only had about 50% movement in certain directions, and that it was way too tight to be normal. She gave me some treatment, loosened it up a bit, and rang the doctor for an appointment.

The appointment came and went, resulting in both a full ESR blood test, and hip and knee x-rays. The bloodtest results came back relatively clear - there was no major inflammation that showed up in them. The xrays of the knee came up fine, too. Nothing out of the ordinary (at least for my knee). The hip, however was a slight difference.

Where the head of the femur attaches to the hip socket, in the x-ray it should be very clear, very smooth, and a very visible outline of the bone. In my left hip-joint it is a perfect example of that. However, my right is far from it. The outline is fuzzy, and where you can make it out, it's not straight and smooth like it should be. And the profile x-ray found a small cyst in the hip joint, too.

The doctor's diagnosis (via phone relay from Mum - I had to be back in Melbourne for work; she took the next appointment for me and talked it over with him) was that I have arthritis in my hip and knee. While it's pretty mild arthritis, the fact that I've just turned 20 and have it in two joints is more than slightly disconcerting. As an outcome from that, I have an appointment with an Orthapedic Surgeon in late October, to find out what he says about it all. So until then, it's a waiting game.

spoons, toys, heinekens

2005-09-12T22:39:00.000+10:00

I am feeling rather foolish tonight. I let my Palm run completely out of battery to the point where I went to make an entry into my calendar...and promptly found that I had no battery even to switch it on. Not to mention the fact that I can't even remember the last time I charged my Palm.

Speaking of toys, however, I did pick up a new one today. It's white, it plays music, and no, it's not an iPod! A Creative Zen 20gig mp3 player has just been added to the empty ports on my usb hub (which I am fast running out of). But it's fun, and it has features that kick an iPod's ass, even if this is packaged with white headphones to look like every other monkey around. But hey. I'm willing to wear them a few times just for laughs from some like-minded friends.

And friends? About 10 of them made their way last night to my unit for the first inaugural sunday night cook up. Two wok-fulls of noodles were presented to the gathered multitude (one a chilli chicken udon noodle with snowpeas, carrots and capsicum; the other a sweet-soy beef hokkien noodle with broccoli, bok choy, capsicum and snowpeas), heinekens were passed around, and a fun night was had by all in front of the cricket.

Okay, so it took me a couple of months to actually get around to getting groups of people over for cooking. But I've had the taste of cheap-but-amazingly-good food on a sunday night, and it goes well seasoned with some rather good company. Not wanting to completely detract from the usual church migration to a local cafe or two, but I am willing to throw the doors open whenever the need and want arises.

hundred dollars

2005-09-12T08:27:00.000+10:00

In the scheme of things, one hundred dollars doesn't seem that much money. Really, what does it buy these days? I went shopping yesterday to get some clothes - some shops were after $80 for a polo shirt. I mean...come on! Even to me who deals with large amounts of money at times, for a polo shirt it's ridiculous! I like my camera gear expensive, and my clothing cheap.

However, I was given one hundred dollars last night. At church, our pastor asked for 50 volunteers and had us respond without knowing what we were volunteering for. When he had 50, he pulled a big wad of cash from his pocket. He'd emptied the rest of the missions budget for the year, and gave $100 to each of the 50 volunteers. The idea? We were to use it somehow, to further the kingdom.

Andrew's not expecting it back, but what is required of us is that we are willing to be prayerful about how to spend it, and that in three month's time, December 11, we are ready to stand up in front of the rest of the church and give account of how we spent it, and how we furthered the Kingdom with it.

So.

What to do with $100.

the nightmare is over

2005-09-11T01:27:00.000+10:00

The week is finally over.

Total hours worked this week: 70

Days worked this week: 6

Worst factor overall:

Total wages earned from 70 hours of video production this week: $160

...crapsticks

twilight zone

2005-09-01T00:22:00.000+10:00

Monday night saw my arrival at my small group (Life Group as the church insists on calling it - on the premise that we are "doing life together". However, I fail to see how 2 hours a week is classified as doing life. But enough for that for the moment), albeit rather exhaustedly. We were looking at prayer, and just what it is, and why we do it. Having covered the Lord's Prayer a few weeks ago in some level of depth, it was good to look at the concept as a whole.

Towards the end, Roh decided that enough talking had been done, and it was time to put it into practice. What he did was turn the lights off and take us through a way of praying that was a good way to clear the mind and focus upon God. Tired as I was, however, I ended up drifting. And found myself at a place I dearly love.

I sat on that couch, half asleep, thinking on the things that Rohan was prompting us. However, I found myself at times asleep, yet still somewhere between the surface and depths, and still meditating upon the things Rohan was promting us. And there I found such peace to be not-quite-conscious, but not-quite-asleep, and still meditating upon the things of God.

In the twilight zone I wait for you

sunshine on my head

2005-08-29T00:09:00.000+10:00

I'm hungry.

One thing I immediately noticed when I got online tonight and clicked to blogger, was that The Sound of Green had dropped to the bottom of updated blogs. And that's not such a good thing. It's not for a lack of anything going on in my head, trust me, it's been the exact opposite of that. It's more a case of whenever I have time it's away from computer de-stressing, or working, or uni, or doing work for work or uni...life is just all too busy.

I'm cold.

For some reason, it seems that winter is the conversational season - I've been having some rather interesting conversations with people of late. It's been good - some have been pure intellectual sparring; some theological; some looking at human behaviour, and why people do and act certain ways; some pure sharpening of wit. All equally valuable, however.

I'm tired.

contemplative

2005-08-14T23:41:00.000+10:00

I'm very peaceful right now. Have settled down for the night after various fun both during and after church. Very still.

Read some thoughts a friend wrote down and sent to me. It was interesting to see the kind of reactions they invoked in me. The recognition of a passion lost. Of pain. Of strength. The image of sitting in a bath reflecting, thinking, crying; the imagery isn't lost on me. It's an image of harsh contrasts, yet of seeming insignificance. One tear amongst a myriad of water droplets. A human body, so sharply different from the stark white porcelin. It's almost a harsh contrast, yet at the same time the extremes seem to flow into each other, and mix in a very fluid, natural, soothing way.

It's an image that sticks in my head. It's ellusive, mysterious in its own way.

It's powerful, though I don't know why.

breakfast revisted

2005-08-13T00:47:00.000+10:00

Before any ideas go running through your mind. No, breakfast is not being revisited due to reguritation. Breakfast as a concept is being revisited. In particular, breakfasts at Monty Secondary College.

The first week last friday saw us serving pancakes (as well as fruit, cereal, hot drinks and juice to appease the whole concept of a "healthy" breakfast, and thus getting us some sponsorship) to some 150 kids. There's something appealing about a free hot breakfast on a cold morning, isn't there? They gobbled those pancakes down more than readily. In fact, we ran out towards the end, when a whole swarm of uniform-clad adolescents decended upon us - some 15 kids standing in front of my barbeque with empty plates stretched out to me; me with the last two pancakes sitting on the hot plate, working out just who is going to get the last one. But a good result - they loved it.

Today saw an even better response. Not only pancakes, but french toast, pancakes and bacon! And it went like...well...hotcakes. There was an estimate going around that we served more kids this week than we did last week. Though it didn't feel like it, it's because they were coming steadily, instead of all at once. But they love it, they really do. You can see it on their faces. People complain about kids being selfish and self-centred. But when those kids look up, smile and say thanks as you hand them one of the best pancakes in the world, you know they're happy. They might not yet know why we're in there every friday morning, giving away good hot food. They're questioning why we want to do it each week. They're definately wondering. But you can tell we're making a difference.

JBP update

2005-08-12T23:15:00.000+10:00

Some exciting things are starting to occur. And it's something that has me rather on edge in a good way of what is to come.

I've picked up some work for a female artist who is soon to be recording her debut album. I know her and her manager, and her manager asked me whether I wanted to do some photography for her. Previously, I had done a couple of hasty shoots with her, to get some basic images together for a demo pack that was being put out to get some interest in her - this was the reason I got asked to do another shoot with her. And when I heard just what the shoot was going to be, I grinned.

The shoot ended up being a few hours on the beach down in Torquay. I had even had a hodge-podge crew with me - someone doing make up, a couple of guys ready with the few props (guitar, surfboard), someone to keep a track of wardrobe - and it was a great time. Was able just relax, spend some time creating, and shoot some really good images. It was amazing to be able to just forget about other constraints, have someone to lug gear for me, and worry about keeping on top of other things. It allowed me to just concentrate on the subject, and on my craft, and was able to get some good images.

Alas, I'd love to show them off. However, these images are being kept under a strict non-release rule, so they aren't peeking out into the wider world just quite yet.

As for the exciting side of things? Part of the agreement was that there should be something to make it worthwhile for myself and others who are involved with this up-and-coming artist. Currently, we are putting in our own time and money to get this off the ground. The provisio for that is when she's released, and more work comes her way, the ancillary work will fall to us solely - all photography work will fall to me.

I was at her house last sunday morning, and she thanked me for the work I did that day of the shoot, and how I made the day a lot easier to handle and enjoyable - she is a good friend of mine, afterall. I told her I wasn't completely self-less, and that half the reason I was in on this was because it has the potential to launch my career as well as hers!

work opportunities

2005-08-05T01:26:00.000+10:00

Or alternatively titled "ARE YOU FAMOUS?!"

Yesterday was a wonderful day. Spent the day down in Torquay working. If it could be called work.

The brief was to produce a series of images that captured the feel and the look of a new up-and-coming solo music artist. The location was 13th Beach near Torquay, and the Torquay front beach. Weather - slightly over-perfect. Sun was shining a little too brightly for my liking (it burnt out features a bit too much when it was full on her face), and it was hella-windy, but beyond that a beautiful blue-skied day. Crowd participation - a hundred screaming school kids at one stage, thinking Jess was someone who is already famous, yelling out to her "Are you a model?" and the like.

I honestly could not have asked for a better day. Jess is a great friend of mine, and everyone on the support crew are also friends of mine, and it was a lot of fun. I love shooting Jess, she has a face that is just...beautiful yes, but it intrigues me. It's a very natural face, it captures and reflects light nicely. Her eyes, too, are just as the saying goes - windows to the soul. She's just got a face that I love capturing in its different phases.

Glad I'm in on the team now. All the images of her from now on in, will be mine.

breakfasts

2005-08-05T00:31:00.000+10:00

I'm not sure what the relation is between donuts and inspiration, but for some reason there is something euphoric about them, something that engenders inspiration. Donuts are magical. I speak, of course, of sitting in front of my computer late at night, the perpetual looming deadline of when I have to awaken not that far off. Why, I hear you ask, oh avid reader? Let's think back over the last few entries for a minute.

Previously, I've been talking about my various escapades in the kitchen, about wanting to cook for people, share the love, impress good looking women and the like. Well, food has occured (or shall occur) tomorrow. In what format?

Breakfast.

Tonight at prayer, one of the things we prayed about as a group was the friday breakfasts starting up in the high school our church is based in. And with it came the question as to whether there were any guys who were interested in helping out. 7am on a friday morning in winter? Why the hell not!

My situation is that I was going to be running part of the youth group starting up in the school on friday nights. However, due to the organisers running it changing the time from straight after school to friday nights, I can't - unless they were willing to pay me the money I would lose from not working. Alas, they weren't. I was itching to be involved, however, and now my itch has been well and truly scratched. Friday mornings will see me getting up at the crack of dawn, trundling down to Monty Secondary College, and serving up a big, fat, greasy breakfast. Just the thing to cure those hangovers.

Though if those kids are coming to school with hangovers on a friday, I'm worried.

of dinner and reputations

2005-07-31T15:01:00.000+10:00

And so dinner happened.

Thursday nights is our prayer meeting with church, where we gather for 45 minutes to worship and pray together. This meant that a friend of mine, whom I lost a bet to and owed dinner, would be travelling over from her side of the city, so in the late afternoon I sms'd her and asked whether she wanted to collect. She did.

Thursday night saw me prepare a meal of chicken strips basted in coconut, corriander and lime, on a bed of steamed potatoes with sauted asparagus and garlic, accompanied with roasted capsicums stuffed with zuccini, onion, tomato and olive oil.

My reputation as a cook is now spreading around the church like wildfire. What have I started?!

watergate

2005-07-26T13:39:00.000+10:00

Choose this day whom you will serve...

Sunday night saw a rather interesting event at church. And in relation to a comment last night at Small Group, it wasn't something 'new', but it was something other than what we normally do at our church.

We had Lyn Moracey (sp?), a lecturer at Tabor bible college speaking. What proceded to happen was something that was a bit interesting.

I grew up in a Baptist church until I was 11 - the lovely Synday Baps, just near where I used to live in Mt Waverley. After moving to the country (to eat me a lot of peaches), my family and I started going to a Bretheren church - the one and only Community Church Warragul. While I do like these churches, and have fond memories of them, and indeed learnt and grew a lot in my faith at these places, what the didn't offer was any exposure to any other demoninations. In particular, denominations that accepted the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives, and the way that he worked.

As a result of this, my first encounter with people walking, praying and worshipping in the spirit in any major form came when I did a Youth Alive regional gig, and as the team prayed before we got up on stage. In that back room were people speaking in tongues, worshipping as we prayed, and prophesying. To me back then - a 16-year-old guy who had never experienced any of that, it was slightly disconcerting, slightly daunting, and leaving me more than a bit confused as to just what had gone on. But I left it there as this stuff was not a part of my life.

Nowadays, I'm back down in Melbourne as my avid readers are most likely already aware of. I've been relocated down here in the north-eastern suburbs for the past year and a half, and at a church that while is a Baptist church by denomination, does accept the role and minstry of the Holy Spirit. Outcome? A Charismatic Baptist church.

Go figure.

Sunday night in particular so Lyn speaking about us choosing who we will serve, based on Joshua 24:14-15. She spoke, she prophesised, and she encouraged those of us who were not quite all the way commited, to become so. To be more than just 'open' to the ministry of the Spirit, but to take a step of faith and to throw ourselves into it, and see just what happened and where the Spirit took us. And so as many as 50 of us would have been down the front at the end of Sunday night. There, we were prayed for, and we opened ourselves up to the Spirit, and took a step forward in faith. It was an amazing experience, and it was a watergate night for a lot of us, in making sure we were going after our faiths and our duty with a wholehearted passion.

And to report back on a previous post? No, dinner didn't happen on Sunda night. Why? Because God had other things in mind, and we spent a great time in fellowship afterwards at our usual haunt, enjoying a meal and talking and encouraging each other.

The food's still in the fridge though. Anyone want dinner?

stereo-what?

2005-07-25T23:40:00.000+10:00

Judgements based on stereotypes can be a dangerous thing.

I watched a lot of people on the train tonight, as I headed home after a long day at Uni. Watching people has long been a pasttime of mine, and a somewhat enjoyable one at that. There's something intriguing about crowds and picking people out of them. Something that gets my curiosity going in interesting ways.

Tonight, however, I realised to some extent just how stereotypes play on my mind. The case in question was a (rather) young mother boarding the train with her new-born child. From the looks of her, from the way she carried and handled herself, from the way she went about looking after her sleeping child, it was obvious that she was a new mother, and that this first child of hers came rather a lot earlier in her life than society would deem the norm. All appearances pointed towards a just-finished or dropped-out of school mum, an unemployed single mum, a welfare mum. Or so it would seem.

I realised that she might not be either of these things, just in the same way that if a guy dressed in non-fashionable clothes wearing glasses might not be a socially disadvantaged or repressed loner; just in the same way that a teenage girl wearing a mini-skirt and tight tops might not be all into partying hard and picking up guys.

Might.

Stereotypes can be interesting, they can play with our minds, and they're not true - at least not all of the time. At the same time as they may misconstrue our judgement of someone's character by their appearance, stereotypes were created because the majority of people fit them. They exist because they're true, to some extent.

Something to keep in mind.

one big happy family

2005-07-25T14:49:00.000+10:00

Saturday night saw me at the ESCO Bar in Brunswick - a place formerly known as the Planet Cafe, and an institution that I have played a gig at. The occasion - a friend (and in fact my boss) was having his 25th birthday celebration. A fun night with friends I both had seen recently, and a few that I haven't seen for a long long time.

What sat me back and had me thinking upon reflection, was how during the short spot from Tim Ellis - master magician - one of my friend's 4 kids came up to me. She and one of her brothers were playing with Josh, and when he came and sat back with us, her brother begged Josh for a seat in his lap. Josh now well and truly occupied, the girl climbed up in my lap and proceeded to talk to me for the next 15 minutes or so.

I sat there as the night went on, and thought about what had transpired. This girl - I don't even know her name. But she knew me from church, and felt more than comfortable sitting in my lap. Church family - I never thought the phrase could be taken so literally. But it gave me reason to sit back and smile as a thought about it. As much as my church perports "doing life together", that is what it is all about. Knowing people you fellowship, worship, life and learn with together so well, that their kids look up to you, respect you, and even ask your permission with things.

a change

2005-07-24T16:25:00.000+10:00

It's been a while, I know, but a change is in the air.

This afternoon, after some unpaid "ministry" work (and I use that term loosely) went to the supermarket to pick up milk and butter - the two necessities. I realised as I walked in the door, that the necessities actually expanded to about $104 worth of food - and believe me, they were necessities. Seems like for the past few months I'd been running on not much food, or not much food at home at least. Fair few meals out, fair few meals of junk food - all of which is neither good for my health nor budget.

Made a resolution to myself as I walked around the supermarket that tied in with something I had been thinking for a few days - that I want to start using my house as more than a space I live in. I want to bless people, use my skills as a cook to bring people over, cook them a delicious meal, and spend the time over dinner getting to know them more. It's been far too long since I've cooked a meal for anyone in any decent form, and it's something I miss. I have my house set up now, lacking naught but a DVD player - but even that's not such a necessity, is it?

And so tonight, the fridge is stocked (there's even 4 beers if it comes to it), the ideas are ready in my head, the house is tidy, and all the dishes are washed and ready in anticipation. Tonight I want to bless some people, and practice the gift of hospitality.

We'll see how it goes.

a change is in the air...

2005-07-13T23:54:00.000+10:00

Okay, since I've last blogged:

-My old housemate and good friend Craig moved out, got married and is now somewhere off in the South Pacific with his wonderful no-longer-fiance, Carlyzilla.
-I spent two wonderful weeks living on my own, with the whole place to myself, discovering the joys of having a living space to yourself to use as you will. Can someone say sleeping on the couch in the middle of the day watching daytime TV?
-I now have a new housemate, recently arrived from sunny Queensland, and also getting married in January. Yep, I move through them quick.
-New lens! Hurrah! Nikkor AF 80-200 f/2.8 D ED telephoto whom I love and adore dearly, and would gladly marry if it had slightly more personality. A wonderful sports/action and portrait telephoto lens.
-Dear old Sam did the head gasket, and is currently hoisted up in my mechanic's garage, and will be returned to me in another $1500 time.
-And I've discovered that Guinness goes down well after a Whopper Burger from Hungry Jacks.

Excellent.

a smile on your face

2005-06-30T22:26:00.000+10:00

Thursday nights at work are always the hardest night. It's the last night of the week, and all the set work for the week has been already finished, meaning there is no extractor work. What I have to do instead, is sheer spot-cleaning. I walk around looking for spots, and cleaning them. It's the most mindless and boring aspect of my job. However, it does afford a lot of thinking time.

Tonight, after cleaning two floors, I wandered off for my usual break. During this time, I generally wander around the city at a brisk walk, get some exercise, some fresh air, and more often than not, some rain on my head. During these times I often lose myself in my thoughts, and tune out my surroundings. As I came to the final set of pedestrian lights to cross on my way back to the building to start back, a group of people crossed from the other side of the road. It was not until they were a couple of metres away from me that I realised that one of them was Trish - my long lost sister as some claim; a friend I hadn't seen for some months.

With a glint of recognition in my eyes, she hugged me in the middle of Collins St, then kept walking - she had to get home with her friends. But that was enough to put a smile on my face for the rest of the night.

rekindled love

2005-06-25T02:16:00.000+10:00

The last two days have seen me driving around the Eastern Suburbs of our lovely city, perusing through various ski and outdoor clothing manufacturers stores and outlets with my sister. The excuse (not that the two of us have ever needed an excuse to look or spend money on technical clothing and outdoor gear) was that my sister has just been confirmed as a part-time ski instructor up at Melbourne's most accessible winter resort, Mt Baw Baw. However, all this delving back into a world that I semi left behind over the last couple of years has done only one thing to me.

It's rekindled my love for the outdoors, and namely the snow.

Today sees my sister the proud owner of a new pair of Salomon boots and Volkl skis, as well as a new pair of Gore-tex gloves. Got thrown in a pair of stocks, too. But as for me - new Rip Curl Gore-tex gloves, and tomorrow is me driving to put a deposit on a brand new Mountain Design Gore-tex jacket. Made of XCR Gore-tex fabric - basically the best waterproof, windproof and breathable technical fabric around - this jacket will finally see the end of my lamentation of a crap outer shell. It will behold the final wail of a sweat-moistened jacket interior. Gone will be the days of peeling of wet inner layers. No no. Forever shall I be blessed with dry interiors.

Bring on Snow-blades, too.

the wizard

2005-06-15T22:34:00.000+10:00

And so I sit here, locked in a cubicle, tired, lonely, afraid. How it's come to this I'll never quite know. I feel...small, like a little kid; insignificant, insecure. It's the same feelings I had when I realised that I had been deceived all along, that I was being used, toyed with, led along. That person once playfully called me their "tug-along toy" - something to be led around, played with, laughed at. It took me many nights to realise how truthful they were.

6:31pm. Federation Square. Not wanting to think about the work I should be at. Bells tolling in the background. Alone. It was here I sat some seven months ago, the last time I felt betrayed.

I wonder...

I wonder if people realise how lonely I feel. Especially after the weekend; so many familiar faces, so many long-lost friends. If anything it only highlighted just what it's like. I wonder if anyone realises what it's like to be this penguin. I wonder if anyone knows just what goes through my head each day, as I seek to accept myself for what I really am, a lonely, selfish man.

I wonder if people realise just what I hide behind each day. I wonder if they realise that all the eccentricities have been built up to make burkie what he is this day - likeable, friendly, crazy yet appealing. Amusing.

Entertaining.

I wonder if they realise that much like the Wizard of Oz, when the mask is shattered by something, when it is torn down or broken through, all that is behind is a small man, afraid, cowering in the corner without his creation to hide behind. I wonder if this is what the penguin feels like when all does not going to plan, and his ideas and conceptions are sattered. He wants to fight to regain them, but he knows at some level what was said was true.

And there is nothing the scared little man can do. All he can do is meekly accept what he has been told, and offer no resistance. For when the shit hits the wall, all that is left is the exposed, scared little man. And scared little men know not how to find the courage to fight back.

inspired

2005-06-14T23:31:00.000+10:00

Spent the last half hour or so catching up on a good friend's blog, reading through some of what has been going on in her headspace over the last few days/weeks. It's been a while since I've actually chatted to her substantially, which is somewhat a surprise - we used to end up chatting most night for far too long. But reading through what she wrote inspired me to get some of my headspace onto the screen, as her blog tends to do most days.

The weekend just gone highlighted something to me in a big way. It wasn't any huge revelation that blew me away - it was something I knew quite well already. Yet for some reason this feeling was highlighted to me. I realised how emotionally dependant I become when I am exhausted. I spent most of the weekend craving affection, love, attention from someone. From a certain someone, but not sure who that someone was. It was a weird feeling, yet not an unfamiliar one - I guess it had just never really revisted me quite this strongly since my relational disaster of last year. Prior to that adventure, however, it was a feeling that I was somewhat accustomed to - something I felt frequently. Part of it stems from the innate desire to not be alone. The other part...from my own feeling of loneliness and of feeling that friends are slipping away. I can't help but feeling I'm somehow putting walls up, or losing the disarming likeability I used to somehow ooze to people. But that deserves its own investigation at a later date.

The other interesting thing about the weekend, was friday night, arriving at Mum and Dad's house at 1am. Walking in that door that night, I felt something I had never felt before. I actually was glad I was home, and realised I'd missed it. Walked in and could just feel love as I looked around the room lit only by the dancing flames. It was a new feeling...but a welcome one. A feeling of a definite change - both in situation and mindset. It was definately a case of the son stopping in home while working nearby, more than the dependant child visiting his parents, and it felt nice.

It felt...right.

joy

2005-06-07T02:07:00.000+10:00

It's the simple things that make life enjoyable.

Eating a Quarter-Pounder upside-down with a beer.

What more can you want?

a career change?

2005-06-03T21:14:00.000+10:00

Tonight got me thinking some rather interesting thoughts. I realised that it would be quite easy for me to profit a lot more from my job than I currently do.

I work in an inner-city high-rise office building, probably one of the most prestigiuos in Melbourne. Some of the tenants here are the biggest and best law firms to be found in this city, not to mention some rather large and expansive companies have their headquarters here. And here I am, at night when all the workers have gone home, all by myself, cleaning their carpets.
Can anyone say industrial espionage?

I've realised not just tonight, but on many nights gone by, just how easy it would be for me to make off with some vital corporate information, and sell it too the highest bidder. Of course that would require me to have contacts who would purchase such information, but for the industrial or corporate spy, such matters are trivial. He already has such contacts as his disposal.
So does this herald a career shift? According to research, people of my generation will experience 3 to 5 career shifts in their working lifetime. I've already worked in two completely different industries, and breaking into another job as well, at the same time. Will this merely add to the research being carried out on how many jobs young Australians are working in their lives? Will this slight mischief get swallowed up in the name of scientific and corporate research? You never know. You just never know.

unbreakable

2005-05-30T23:19:00.000+10:00

Recently, upon the last 72 hours or so, I've decided to pull my finger out, and to start doing something about my faith. The rut I'd been stuck in was one of talking about what I should be doing, talking about what I should be saying to Him, instead of actually saying it. I was talking about how I should be spending time with Him, spending time in prayer, instead of actually doing it. And it's amazing how quickly you realise just what you'd been missing out on.

Upon actually getting some time in prayer, spending time in the Word, I've been ministering to people again - able to encourage, support and uplift beyond what I can do by myself. The Spirit's been whispering to me again, and I've been able to hear His voice. It's been an amazing experience, and it's given me a taste of what is to come.

The image that came to mind was of the film "Unbreakable", where the protagonist Bruce Willis realises his gift, and stands in the middle of a busy train station, letting people brush past him, and seeing the visions he receives from their touch, then acting upon it. That is what I want to be like - so in tune with the Spirit, so full of the Word of God that when talking to people the Spirit can tell me what needs to be done, how I can minister to them, how I can uplift them. I want to be walking with the Spirit in every aspect of my life, and to be aware of the spiritual that goes on around us with out us even realising.

I've had a taste, I know what can come of this. And I don't want to let it slip away.

kindness

2005-05-25T23:23:00.000+10:00

My previous post got me thinking about kindness in people these days, and I felt it warranted an entry all on its own. But for the background, basically go read my previous post. For the abridged version, basically some people at work whose floors I clean right in front of their noses only show their appreciation by glaring at me, or calling security and getting me hastled. Which, if that's their outlook on life...well, let's just say I'd hate to be their kids.

The way I view life is that there is a great amount of pleasure to be gained by bringing a smile to a stranger's face by showing some act of kindness. Whether it be just simple common courtesy taken a little further, or just randomly smiling at someone. It's something that brings an element of joy both to the person I encounter and myself. Whether it be jumping up onto a window-sill when to allow two ladies to walk down the narrow alley without having to squeeze past, or just making eye contact with someone on the train, and giving them a heart-felt grin, there's just something so appealing to me to bring joy to others. The more I do it, the more I want to continue doing it. It says something about who I am, I guess. And part of what I'm about.

I like bringing joy. It's something there's not enough of in this world.

how rude

2005-05-25T23:21:00.000+10:00

Tonight sees me at work, steam cleaning the back entrance to the illustrious building I work in. The only possible problem that can arise from me cleaning the back entrances is that people have to step over my hoses, because it's a smallish area, and my hoses are long. The way I get around this, the way I get around the slight possibility of people getting annoyed at having to go around me, or walk over my hoses (trust me, some of the people in the building would just glare at me for even being there and not wearing a suit), is by smiling at them, and wishing them a good night. It often puts them off what they were thinking, and surprises them that I'm actually going out of my way to be nice and friendly. When I'm working, there's almost always a smile fixed on my face.

Not so tonight, however. I'm cleaning the back entrance, and this guy walks past. Gruff as anything. He makes eye contact, I widen my smile slightly at recognition of him. He simply stares as he walks past, glaring at me the whole time as I keep working, and keep smiling at him. I can't believe it. I am literally keeping the building looking as nice as it does so he can think he's all he thinks he is purely because he works in a building that looks so nice. And all he does is glare, as if I'm some kind of criminal.

Incidentally, a lady once called security on me, complaining to them that there was a guy walking around the floor with a spray bottle and rag. For goodness sakes, woman, I'm cleaning up your freaking mess! I'm cleaning up the dirt your heels leave on the floor, the coffee stains from your mug, the food trampled into the carpet because you're a grot. And what do I get for it? Hassled by security in front of them, because they need to keep the appearance of doing their job, and chasing up what was called through. Back out in the lift lobby, they apologised to me, because they knew it wasn't my fault - it was just another snobby tenant being a handful. Afterwards, back cleaning that floor, I overhear her talking to another guy who was still working, saying he was glad she was alright - as if something had happened. I cleaned her carpet and she's made out to be a victim of it?

Oh yeah. I'm deadly with a spray bottle. Can hit a target at 20 paces.

But seriously. People these days! Rich people these days at that. They lack simple common courtesy, simple common manners, they lack kindness and gratitude. It's annoying.

of late

2005-05-24T23:37:00.000+10:00

Been feeling frustrated. Not sure what it is, not sure why exactly. I can pinpoint some areas, can work out part of what it is. But something ellusive has me feeling flat, feeling a bit behind the 8-ball.

I've been thinking about my photography, and trying to work out what I can do when in terms of getting things together. There's a few shoots I would like to do that would aid me in getting my ass off the ground, but the thing is they require a fair bit of time, and more importantly a model. Models are so hard to come by! People I know for some reason really don't like getting their photo taken - or if they let me, it's often under sufferance. But I have these two shoots, both of which are going to take time and effort, but will pay off in the long run. It's a matter of actually finding the resources to do them.

But that's not all of it. I can't place what it is. But it's something.

jealousy?

2005-05-20T00:33:00.000+10:00

I got thinking the other day, am I a jealous person? I remember once when I was with my ex-girlfriend, that I got accused of being a jealous boyfriend. The situation in which it happened, the other guy thought I was overreacting. I, however, knew both my feelings on it, and what my girlfriend had been feeling at the same time - and neither of us had been all that comfortable about the whole situation. Therefore, when I spoke up, I thought I was just being entirely reasonable, and my girlfriend backed me up. However, this guy didn't know what we thought, and the accusation came that I was simply a jealous boyfriend who held on too tightly for anyone's good.

Recently though, a similar thought has popped up in my mind. Not so much am I jealous of my friends, but am I over-protective of my friends, especially my close female friends?

Situation at hand, a friend of mine got together with a guy she knows, and lives at the same college. Three or four weeks later, the guy (whom she categorised as an over-thinker) broke it off, but was still giving out mixed signals. But for some reason when she told me that he had broken it off with her, I was angry. How dare someone do this to my friend? How dare they treat her this way, and mess around with her feelings? I said to her when she initially started the relationship that if he hurt her, or broke her heart, I was going to slap him. I still owe him that slap, and I still ended to give it to him.

But am I too overprotective? I often think a lot of the time, of my close friends as my sisters, and thus end up playing the big brother role a lot of the time. It's something that started quite a while ago, in high school. Bemoaning one night to a friend that I was still single, my friend put forward the idea that most of the girls around me who I knew well thought of me as a big brother - and she did herself. And since then...it's something that's only propogated itself. A close friend of mine often says to me that I'm her big brother - because I look after her as so. And while I do like it, and I do definately play it up at times, does it make me overprotective? Do I have any right to be so?

haunted by a memory

2005-05-13T00:17:00.000+10:00

So two nights ago, I drove home past my ex-girlfriend's house, and realised that I was predominantly over her. Realised that the wound had finally healed, that I was finally able to put that chapter of my life behind me, collect the lessons I've learnt and take them with me as I walked on.

How wrong I was.

Early this morning, somewhere in the twilight between sleep and consciousness, I suffered through a dream that has haunted me all day. The dream, so vague, so indefinite, yet still so real, so wrenching, so painful. What's haunted me was the reality, the parallels to what actually was, to what actually is. The air of indifference to my feelings that she carried, that was so obviously evident in the dream, yet so subtly evident in reality. The way she literally shrugged me off and walked off, as opposed to the way she stopped seeing me, then left without saying goodbye.

Why is this haunting me so?

It scares me, that it can still hurt. That a memory, a dream, can have such an influence. It scares me that I can look back over the time we had together with such fondness that it makes me long to see her again, spend time with her again, even after all the pain she put me though. It scares me that there still might be some love. Why? There shouldn't be any. There's absolutely no reason, no reason at all to keep loving? She used me, she toyed with me endlessly. She made me feel so worthless, so insignificant, so meaningless. I just did the maths. 9 moths ago, today, she ended it all.

9 months, so why does it still affects me so?

I don't want to post this. I don't even know if I should. This...it's leaving myself exposed. Vulnerable. But, I said I was going to try the whole personal/honesty thing. So I'll post this before I reconsider.

clutch, gear, brakes, rev, clutch...

2005-05-12T23:34:00.000+10:00

Been feeling a bit flat of late. And it took me until tonight to realise this, much less actually do anything about it. There's something to be said about stagnation. Quite simply, it stinks. Stagnant water, as I'm sure we're all well aware, smells quite foul. But I'm not actually speaking of stagnant water. I speak instead of stagnant people.

I've come to the realisation that people need change in their lives in order to remain sane, interesting and functional within society. Why? Well because, at risk of generalising in a big way, people who lead rather boring lives tend to be boring people. And before you fly off the hammer at me, let me explain. By boring lives I mean these people have no passion, no excitement about anything in their lives. They have nothing about which they can actually get excited about - and really, where does that leave them?

What I mean to say is that people who are excited about something, people who get passionate about things, they do something about it. They instigate change in their own lives - because they know that change is a good thing. And how does this relate to me feeling a bit flat? Well, I realised that I've been getting a bit stagnant. I have these dreams I want to fulfil, these dreams I want to follow. And I'm excited about them, excited about being able to pursue them. Yet I realised that I was stuck in a rut, and nothing was actually happening regarding them. And it was getting to me. And so, what must I do? Get myself in gear, that's what.

delving into the past

2005-05-11T02:27:00.000+10:00

My conversations of late have been talking about the past, and how it affects us. Friends have been thinking through times in their past that have impacted us, and as a result of those conversations, and reading those blogs, it's had me thinking about my past a bit. And of course, the timing would be perfect.

Tonight saw me driving right past the house my ex-girlfriend used to live in when she moved over to Melbourne for her ill-fated stint back here - ill-fated for our relationship. Coincidentally, at the same time the music playing in my car was a CD that we bought together, and a track that had some vested emotional significance on our behalves. The timing, the lateness of the night, my own emotional/mental state after a long, draining shift at work and the music, I expected the memories to come rushing back. The feelings. The pain. The surprise was that it wasn't there.

I'm not sure what it was. Whereas not so long ago, I know that it would have evoked some knee-jerk emotional reaction in me, yet there was nothing. The memories were there, and I can remember the pain, but the pain itself, the intense feelings, weren't anywhere nearby. Does this mean I'm healed? Hopefully. Does this mean I'm ready to move on? More than hopefully. Does this mean I'm ready to start anything new, to branch out in a new relationship? Probably not. And the reason for this post? I'm getting there.

See, our past makes us who we are. Without having going through what I did, experiencing the good and the bad of life as it happens, I wouldn't be the person I am today. What we experience all plays a part in shaping us, moulding us, into the people we are constantly evolving into. Who we are is a state that is never able to be acheived - it's a constantly changing, constantly flowing collective of our experiences, our knowledge, our understandings, our relationships at any one point. And the point of that is, we undergo things; we experience, live, even suffer through things now that we might not understand for some time. What it does, however, is to contribute to who we are, both when we finally understand it, and even before we do. Whether we think it it or not, whether we acknowledge it or not, and whether we enjoy it or not, those experiences shape us. We grow from them; they grow us as individuals. Even before we understand them completely.

photographic sponsorship?

2005-05-09T23:07:00.000+10:00

Tonight bore a rather interesting discussion that merits both further thinking, and definately merits exposure and some form of publication.

While bemoaning the cost of camera equipment and the costs borne by setting up my portfolios, my part-time colleague made a suggestion. She suggested that I look to apply for funding, grants, or sponsorship. And she does have some idea of what she is talking about. Sarah is a ceramic artist, and is currently completeling her Honours year at everyone's favourite university, RMIT. She suggested a few places to approach for funding, but I also had a thought: family. Not my immediate blood family - as much as they love me, I doubt they'd be up for giving me an interest-free loan for several thousand dollars. But I wonder if there are Christian brothers and sisters out there who might be interested in sponsoring a young guy in getting his photography off the ground. You never know - but I thought to myself it's worth following up as much as applying for funding or sponsorship is.

So if you happen to be even remotely interested in helping a young, energetic and passionate photographer get off the ground, and begin to actually shoot and work without being reduced to flat broke every time, get in contact with me, leave me a comment.

getting personal

2005-05-09T18:27:00.000+10:00

Am I becoming too impersonal? Am I hiding my personal side and thoughts behind this blog? Am I simply rhetorising here without actually letting my feelings and emotions come into play when I write for this blog? Am I not putting forward a true representation of who I am? Is that even part of what I want to do with this blog?

These are some of the questions I thought of recently. Of late, the dynamic of the blogs I've been reading have changed to something that is more intensly personal, and it's made me question whether that is something I want. It's made me question whether I am personal enough in my posts, and whether I want to be and more personal than I currently am. On the one hand, I say to myself that I am personal enough - I share my faith and my life with my audience, however small and limited that may currently be. Yet reading these blogs of late, part of me can't help but want to be able to share on such a personal level.

So why don't I? Various reasons, some reasonable, some rather trivial. (Yes, oh avid reader. Even I am not above trivialities, great monolith of wisdom though I am) One of the main is the vulnerability that comes from being open with some of the most closely-held areas of my life. Yet as I commented on a friend's blog who had posted regarding whether or not they should give the link to people they know, there is a human want and perhaps need to be able to share what they want, about what they want, and still be accepted by those who khow them. It's a desire to be loved no matter our faults. So why, when I trust some of the people I've shared this blog with - some of them implicitly - am I still unwilling to share at such an intensely personal level?

Perhaps some of it has to do with the fact that because I want my audience to continually grow and grow, I don't want to scare any potential readers off. But perhaps in doing so, I'm avoiding the very thing that could give this humble blog the edge it needs to realise its potential.

of a personal nature

2005-05-02T23:52:00.000+10:00

I guess it should really be no surprise that when you share with someone, talk with someone the majority of nights each week, they begin to know how you think, how your mind ticks, whether they know it or not. Maybe they don't. Maybe I'm talking crap. But I do know that I have prided myself at times in the past for being someone that people couldn't figure out. Yet I love it when people know what will poke me in the right way.

Tonight, another not so good night. A long day at uni and work. A lot of things flowing through my headspace; fair amount of pain flowing through my back; a share of frustrations upon returning home. And I was more than happy for the chance to complain.

However, something you said had that gnawing quality to it.

"...have you prayed about it?"

And then, at the end, out of nowhere, you showed me something I'd half forgotten about, but was still endlessly curious about. You let me in, as it were, to your more private thoughts. And I won't mention or link you out of a respect for your choice of privacy, but in just glancing over some of your entries, what you said kept gnawing away at me.

have i prayed about it/why haven't i prayed about it/why don't i bring things before him so readily/why am i hesitating/why am i wondering whether i should/what has happened to me

I know I've changed. I shared this with a friend last night in the car, driving her home. The experiences I've been through over the past year have changed me, some for good, some not. And as I said last night, I look at where I am now, and where I was a year ago. My relationship with God has changed. I would say I know more now, understand more of how He works, understand more of who He is. Yet at the same time, I know I'm not as close to Him as I was last year.

Is that where my hesitancy comes from? An inward and hidden knowledge that I'm not where I should be? A shame because of that? Too often neglect has become a part of my walk. Too long has my sword been carried, but left sheathed. So much time has passed, too much time for the neglect to not have any affect. My weapon at times is now unfamiliar in my hands. And that is a scary thought.

And as for what I was talking about at the start? Reading what you showed to me, it gave me that poke. A realisation that a weapon unfamiliar in my hands is useless. And the knowledge that if I'm walking this path with Him, yet aren't sure whether I am willing to share the journey with him is a dangerous idea. And so as I turn to Him and just ask him to remind me where we're going, and why we're going there, as I start talking to him, and letting him lead, I'm definately thankful. Thankful for the words you didn't say. Thankful for trusting me.

of relationships gone wrong

2005-04-28T23:16:00.000+10:00

A friend of mine recently found out some news that is no doubt what she wasn't expecting. Her boyfriend drove some 10 hours to visit her this sunday gone, though his news was unexpected. What we had all thought was a healthy - albeit long-distance - relationship was now over, and all of us left standing with jaws agape, wondering what exactly had just happened.

My heart goes out to my friend, because I know exactly what it feels like to be in that position - it's the same position I found myself in, August last year. I know what it's like to all of a sudden find yourself holding the tatters of the relationship you were in, and wondering just what went wrong. That concept of a relationship that you thought was going to last is an interesting one, one that I am currently discussing with a friend over a multi-part conversation, and one that bears being looked at.

The question I put to my friend was whether she believed that there is one specific person that we are supposed to spend our lives with. It's a valid question, now of all times. The reason I asked her the question, was because I was interested in why she believed in one specific life partner. Her response didn't really engage me at all - as her reason was identify that it was almost purely to give her a sense of security.

The reason her response actually surprised me is because I know some of what she has been through in her life. For me, the point where I woke up and actually thought about this to some extent, was after a rather long break-up with a girl I was expecting and planning on marrying. Yet all of a sudden, she ended it, and I now no longer see her anymore - she moved back interstate. The friend I had this conversation with, however, went through a similar experience, and still believes - or wants to believe - in a single person that is the one person you should spend your life with. To me, that idea is bordering on ludicrous. I look back over the relationship I had with this girl of mine, and I can say for sure that I could have been happy with her - I could have married her, and spent many many years with her. More's the point, there was a time when she could have happily spent those years with me. I also think about some of the girls who I've at times had one of those unspoken-kinda-relationships, where something nearly happened but never did. There were some of those girls whom I could also happily have spent my life with. I think of how well I know them, how much of them I know, and how we get along, and I can see that we could have made something of it. I believe that we could have had a chance, if we'd deigned to take it.

This is my whole premise in the issue - so much happens in life, there are people who come into our live, and people who we don't know at certain times who then go on to having a huge impact on our life. To me, the thought of only one course of action that my life will take seems rather controlling. And while I know God does have a plan mapped out for my life, the decisions are still up to me - He can't make the decisions for me. He can lead and guide, but ultimately the responsibility and the decision making is up to me. And I don't believe that God is a God who wouldn't bless someone for making a decision that was not perhaps the best one.

--

Apologies for disjointedness, if any. It's taken 3 nights to write this, in various breaks at work, and then my PDA batteries died mid-sentence tonight!

mundane spirituality?

2005-04-21T22:38:00.000+10:00

Was reading today over at LivingRoom about how the group did what they called an "Everyday Spirituality Tour", where the group got taken on a tour of where one of the members live out their various aspects of their life. And I thought, "what a bloody good idea".

My agreeance stemmed not through wanting to take my small group on a tour of where I work, rest and play, but through something else. What struck me was what the name implied, and the connotations that came to mind.

Our lives as followers of Christ should aim to be walking in step with Him every step of our lives. As a result of this, all of the aspects and different areas of our lives need to incorporate a spiritual aspect - at least it should have been considered. Our faith - a dynamic, daily and personal relationship, as Robags put it - should be just that; it should be a faith that impacts every part of our lives, and that leaves no part unaffected or unchanged.

I'm not sure whether this is going to be what Darren was on about, or whether this is simply my own take on a phrase he used, but I think it's important to be able to tell people about the daily and perhaps mundane parts of our lives, and to be able to talk about the spiritual element in it all. We should be able to talk about the spiritual element to our home lives, work lives, grocery shopping lives, and so on and so forth. The key thing is that there should be a spiritual element to those aspects of our lives. There should be a spiritual element
to every aspect of our life.

shirt space for rent?

2005-04-18T20:25:00.000+10:00

I read tonight in today's edition of The Age of a new venture that is enabling commuters to find car parks through a list of users who are leasing their driveways, car ports, or allocated parking spaces through the newly-released company. The idea itself struck me as a rather ingenious one - making money out of an empty space that you own, or at least have the rights to. However what got me thinking was whether something similar could happen in other aspects of life.
I began to think of ideas of what could be leased or rented out. One of the ones that I thought of, was the idea of leasing space on clothing for advertising purposes. A little out there, perhaps?

Let me explain.

I've noticed that as mass communication becomes more and more prevalent, it's becoming increasingly more difficult for individual voices to be heard. As a result of this, there has been a surgence of more individual-themed clothing, especially t-shirts. What I want to know is how long before people start marketing these potential advertising space.

While this may seem like it's even encouraging commercialisastion in society, I think it's something that is going to be the way of the future. Just think of the impact it can have - say someone catches a train or tram to work each day. If their clothing attracts attention, and whatever is labelled on the clothing is marketed well, both graphically and contentually, the other commuters on the train will no doubt see the clothing, and take note of it. There's such a potential to expand advertising and marketing.

Whether that's a good thing or not is another matter altogether.

growers keepers?

2005-04-14T22:15:00.000+10:00

So nice to be able to turn off one device, and turn another on.

Was thinking tonight about the ownership Christians often (unknowingly) claim over things. Over the last couple of days I've been a part of a discussion on Gush that has been looking at the relationship between band Switchfoot and television show The O.C., and Network 10's decision to use one to advertise the other. There was a slight outcry amongst some of the members, who wondered why a Christian band would want their music associated with a show with such "questionable morals" as they put it. A discussion ensued, but the aspect that interested me the most was how Christians are so willing at times to claim something as their own.

Amongst the questioning, there seemed to be an underlying assumption that Christian bands must play for a predominantly Christian audience. To that I pose this question: if that is all the "Christian" band is going to do, then even as good as their music may be, they're a waste of time.

Our standing orders as followers of Christ are to be in the world, proclaiming the good news of what Christ has done. The means by which we go about doing that are up to who we are, and the giftings we have. Each one of us are to use what has been given to us as a means of furthering the Kingdom of God.

So what does that mean for a group of Christ-followers who play in a band together? If they are using their gifts to further the Kingdom, yet only play to audiences who are already "saved", then they are quite literally preaching to the converted. They are never going to be able to meet people where they are at; they're only ever preach at people who aren't likely to ever take an interest in them or their music.

Of course this all depends on how you view evangelism, and how you should go about it. Me? I like my soap-box pointing in this direction.

ouch

2005-04-14T00:08:00.000+10:00

ouch
Originally uploaded by burks.

A lesson for those of you whom might likewise work night shifts like I do. Long nights at work are not to be combined with long days doing...well, anything!

Why, I hear you ask? Well, the answer is quite simple. So simple, in fact, that I'll never attempt to combine the two again. To put it simply, when I've pulled a 16-hour day finishing at midnight, followed by 2 hours of work for classes the next day, 7:30am is not my most lucid hour.

Especially when wall-heaters and not wearing a shirt are concerned.

As a by-note, this is the first entry written on my new Palm. More on that to follow, though.

aftermath

2005-04-09T14:38:00.000+10:00

Coming home last night, I stumbed across something I really wasn't expecting to see. Something I really did not even consider I would ever come across, yet something that's stuck in my mind, for obvious reasons.

I was driving home after a night out with a friend, and was heading east-bound on Bell St, just before the High St intersection. I saw what I thought was a train going through a level crossing, but I soon realised that the train was stopped. I pulled a U-turn, and did a block to get on the other side of the tracks. As I looked back and saw the train, I saw some guys running out of their cars towards the front of the train, so I drove back down, parked, and hurried to see if there was anything that could be done. I was one of the first couple of people to get there, and what I saw was a shock. From what I could gather, a guy had jumped in front of the train, commiting suicide, and his body was still there when I got there.

I arrived about a minute before the police did, so there was nothing much to do - or that I could do. The police told us all to move back and move away when they got there and saw for themselves what had happened. The thing that was almost as shocking as the sight I saw, was some of the reactions from people I heard, as they started to walk towards the scene to see what was going on - and by then, I was walking back to my car. But some of the things they were saying shocked me - i.e. they wanted to see the body, because they wanted to know if they could handle the sight of a real dead body. The final straw, however, was when I got back to my car, and a group of guys were getting out of their car - and their first questions amongst themselves were whether they'd be allowed to drink their beers as they stood around watching.

That was it. It was too much. I got in my car and left. And while I could leave the scene, I don't think the scene will leave me for a while.

metcards

2005-04-06T01:56:00.000+10:00

metcardass
Originally uploaded by burkielives.

For those wanting a look on the brighter side of the Melbourne public transport system, I spotted this on a certain statue on the corner of Swanston St and Bourke St in the city.

And couldn't pass it by without a photo.

So next time you're stuck on a train that's delayed because the three previous trains were cancelled due to "unforseen circumstances", "driver shortages", "equipment failure" or "due to late running", just remember that there's a statue out there suffering for you each time you validate.

Festival Victoria

2005-04-06T00:38:00.000+10:00

(Hey, everyone's writing about it. Why shouldn't I? And isn't that the whole point?)

I've been reading for the past week or two, in various blogs around the place, about Festival Victoria , a big event that took place in Melbourne in the not-so-distant past. The premise - US evangelist Franklin Graham came to Melbourne for a weekend-long series of events aimed to save the "un-churched". The practical - rallies held at the Telstra Dome, on the Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon. The responses - varied. Rather varied, with a wide range to choose from.

Darren posted about it at LivingRoom, and received some rather interesting responses, all of which induced a lot of thinking. And while Rohan had quite an interesting post looking at the whole concept of the "un-churched" (which, no doubt, warrants its own full response in another post), Darren's angle on things was the one that interested me, and floated around in my head for a few days.

He was looking at the false pretenses that Christians seemed to be using to get people to attend Festival Victoria - by the name they gave it, by the promotional work, by advertising that bordered on the downright-false - and nowhere touting the fact that it was an evangelical rally of the type to bring your friends to to get them saved. Well, in fact there was one place - the ads on the local Christian Radio Station. Everywhere else, it seemed to be an innocent way to spend a night, with some good entertainment.

What caused me to revisit this topic was the fact I was walking through RMIT university today, and walked over one of the chalk-written ads for the "RMITCU" - the Christian Union at Uni. Their ads spouted that people come to their meeting to hear about "The Lies of The Church", or other such captivating headings, that only seek to draw you in. The problem with that, is the fact that the aim of getting people into the CU by playing up to people's curiosity and thinking perhaps that this is a group that are actually slagging-off Christians (which, of course, is everyone's favourite activity), they're just trying to get people in the door for a chance to preach at them.

Now, don't get me wrong. The CU is a great thing, with some good people, no doubt. I just haven't gone since my first semester in first year. But I can't but wonder if in the way they're going about trying to get people through the door, they just might be turning more people off "christianity" than actually getting people on board? That worries me. More than just a bit.

email goes quantum

2005-04-01T10:49:00.000+10:00

A group of British researchers, working for a project run by (ironically enough) SMEG (Supercomputing Methods Experimental Group...but I just can't help but think Red Dwarf!), are beta-testing a quantum based grid computing system.

Claims of the system include 1 terabyte of storage for your emails, and a quantum-based spam filtering service; which in the true form of quantum theory, renders all email both spam and non-spam until you have opened the email in question.

Future applications of the quantum computer system include instant messaging from literally anywhere in the universe to anywhere else, through the use of entangled quantum pairs - however work will need to be carried out as the SMEGsearch currently pinpoints every single pizza shop in the world as your closest fast food outlet.

Full article, here.

my kit

2005-03-31T01:20:00.000+10:00

Thought it'd be time to actually show off what I'm shooting on atm. And what I'm going to be adding to the kit in the short while.

Currently, I shoot entirely on 35mm, on a Nikon F80. Slung underneath this is the MB16 battery pack that both adds a bit of weight and thus creating a better balanced camera, gives something for your little finger to hold onto, and converts the power source from expensive CR123A camera batteries, to simple AA cells.

The lenses I currently own are (all two to date) a 28-105mm zoom, and a 70-300mm telephoto zoom. The first is the AF Zoom-Nikkor 28-105mm f/3.5-4.5 D series lens, which is a great lens for all-round use. It's the lens that pretty much lives on my body, and has a rather good Macro function to boot, thus adding value and usability. Multi-purpose lens that can be used pretty much for anything. Great value, and good quality.

The other lens is the AF Zoom-Nikkor 70-300mm f/4-5.6G series lens. It's the lens that came with the F80 body, as well as a cheaper 28-100mm G series lens. It's more than usable, nice and light, however my main problems with it are the lower-quality glass that is used, as well as the lack of an apeture ring on the lens itself. For my preferance, it's too light as well. However, it was cheap, and I was starting out with not much money. And things haven't changed much from there. Handy to carry, however, being relatively small and light - it fits in a small bag nicely.

Currently that is where my kit stands. However, there are additions that will be joining it soon, some in the coming week or two, some in the coming month or two.

Next purchase which, all going to plan, will be taking place this Saturday, is the SB-800 flashgun. It's the top-range Nikon flashgun, and is suited to use with any Nikon body, both digital and 35mm. In the automatic feature, it zooms all the way through to 120mm, hence the main reason I am purchasing it over the cheaper SB-600 - it follows only to 80mm, and my main lens extends past that. Basically it's a priority-purchase, with more and more wedding and portrait/studio experience and work becoming available - and I need a good flashgun for that.

After that, possibly next week, is a AF Nikkor 50mm f/1.8 D. A standard 50mm lens, but a high-quality one, with a maximum apeture of f/1.8 - meaning low-light will no longer be such a problem when shooting with this lens. A good lens for portrait work, and also to throw on when zoom is not an issue - effectively making my camera one-hand operable. A small lens too, very compact. Couple that with the maximum apeture, and a good purchase. If the girl I'm looking at buying it off will separate it from the rest of the gear she is selling.

That completes the near-future purchases, but in the next month or two, I'm looking at a new zoom telephoto. After much debating about which telephoto to get, how big a lens I needed, and whether a constant maximum apeture was a requirement, I settled on the AF Zoom-Nikkor 80-200mm f/2.8D ED. With Nikon's ED series glass (Extra-low Dispersion), the image quality is top-notch. Coupled with a constant maximum apeture throughout the entire zoom range, it's a good quality telephoto, and one that will enable some lovely shots with the background softly out of focus, enhancing subject detail. It's a high-quality, high-speed zoom telephoto that will make me a happy shooter.

Further down the line is the plan for another couple of lenses, perhaps a wide-angle, and then eventually (preferrably and possibly before the year is out), a Nikon D2x digital SLR body. However before that is possible, a new bag and a new tripod will both be neccessary, for the work that I am doing. But who knows. If I pick up more paid gigs with my photography, it might be possible sooner. It all depends where I can get a good price, and how much I can throw away into a savings account and forget until it's shopping time.

spheres of understanding

2005-03-30T23:07:00.000+10:00

Got home from work a while back (read 30 mins or so), checked my rss reader, and found a new headline at Living Room. In the post, Darren posted about how the group at LivingRoom tonight were going to be looking at the news, and thinking/reflecting/discussing/praying through what they watched in a taped 22 minutes of news programming. Read the full story here.

What struck me is what a great idea it is. Especially for those on the negative side of my age.

What used to bug me no end when I was at school and youth groups is how hardly any of the other kids ever took much notice of what was going on in the world. They paid no particular attention to the news, read newspapers only for the sport pages and comics, and would gladly rather go do homework than watch anything that was vaguely non-fictional on television. It frustrated me so because it meant that they were living under false pretenses of what the world was like.

It was a sad day when I watched these kids leave their cosy little Christian school that a lot of them had grown up in, and realise that the world was a lot bigger than the same friends they saw 6 or 7 days a week, at school, youth group and church. And that there were things out there that actually did have a lot of say as to what happened to their lives. It wasn't like I was bemoaning little kids not taking notice of the world around them. By no means. These were 18, even 19 year olds who were blatantly ignorant of how the world worked, what was going on in the world, even that certain things did happen in the world - ie wars.

This is why what Darren did at LivingRoom struck me as such a good idea. As followers of Christ we can't cut ourselves off from the world, and form our own exclusive little group (as many Christians would like to do, sadly) to live in. And it's something that should be done for all ages - praying over and discussing events that are happening in the world we live in, the issues that are going on, and what people are thinking or doing in these days. We can't afford to cut ourselves off, but instead be informed and prayerful of what is going on.

a year of change

2005-03-28T19:29:00.000+10:00

The fact that it was actually Easter yesterday snuck up on me. That brought about some realisations that I didn't expect to quite get so quickly - namely the fact that it made me think about just where I was this time last year. On more than the physical/literal level.

This time last year I was sitting in Adelaide, with a girl who meant everything to me. I was spending another week with her - and at that time, it was one of the happiest weeks of my life. But as I sit here, I realise that I am now a lot different to how I was last year. How?

1. I'm a lot more emotionally independent. Part of me was relying on the support that was being given, and that was becoming more of a dependency than a reliance as I dealt with some crap this time last year.
2. A lot more relient on God for things these days. A lot more willing to let him have the reigns. I have a better understanding of how He works, and such a trust, even though at times it doesn't seem like it.
3. I'm a lot more cynical than I used to be. Don't get me wrong, I've always been a cynical guy; part of that from my father who is a big cynic. But now, I've turned into a fully-fledged cynical bastard. Still not to the extent of one of the guys I work with, but still pretty cynical when I want to be.
4. Am more willing to get out there. More willing to actually break the mould that was previously what I adhered to, and now trying new things, no longer holding back, no longer just sticking to what I know, but exploring new territory.

There's more. There's a lot more. A lot of it I find hard to actually put down in words. I know I'm different, I know I've changed. And it's not a matter of deciding whether it's better than before...because it's different. You can't compare the two. But I feel more comfortable with who I am now, than who I was. Proud to be me.

my head needs to stretch

2005-03-27T23:49:00.000+10:00

Sat down after church this morning with a couple of friends who were chatting - was the first sunday for probably this year that one of my friends had gotten to church - she's a fellow night-worker, and has thus-far worked weekends and has been unable to make it. But I joined half-way through a conversation bemoaning the way some - even perhaps the majority? - of Christians go about their lives and faiths.

They were talking about how so many Christians will simply believe what makes them comfortable in their faith, and not take it any further than that. They will base what they choose to believe in the bible from what they are willing to believe, and will read it in such a way that it will say what they want it to, and not actually begin to question things, to probe deeper, and to fully understand what it was on about.

What Rohan was saying made perfect sense, about digging through the scriptures, reading more and more, and asking those tough questions. Thinking and considering what some concepts we take for granted and assume are a certain way, and whether they actually should be that way, and what they actually mean. Not simply accepting and believing what we've known to simply be a Christian, but to instead start to seek out what it means to be Christ-like.

I guess Roh really challenged me to get myself out there, get reading about some things, and to start asking those questions for myself. To really begin to deepen and strengthen my faith for myself. To read more - and hopefully, learn as much.

corporate carpets

2005-03-25T00:38:00.000+11:00

Time to spill the beans on my second job - what keeps me occupied at nights. I work for a carpet cleaning company that has the contract to clean one of the main corporate buildings in the CBD of Melbourne. Suffice to say, it's a big building, there's a lot of coporate offices of law firms, accountancy firms, firms of all sorts. What shocks me is how dirty those corporate types are.

Basically my job is to wander around and clean the carpets where they need cleaning. But honestly, I've never seen worse carpet. Some of these people are absolute shockers - under their desks and workstations is worse than newly-laid carpet crossed with a newly-birthed litter of puppies. Seriously. Food, mud, chewing gum, coffee (oh yes, lots of coffee), ink...all sorts of messes. All messying the carpet, which has to be cleaned with alarming regularity.

I'm serious. I've seen cleaner carpets in an un-cleaned Nursery. It's amazing. In a scary kind of way.

The award tonight goes to a woman who was still at work at 9:15pm (as well she ought to, when her workstation was that filthy she was using someone elses!). A combination of food, ink, chewing gum and coffee! Amazing! She told me how it happened. I seriously did not think it was possibly to spill that much food in a day.

Thankfully it's a long weekend, and the carpets shall stay clean.

bored journalists

2005-03-21T23:59:00.000+11:00

Picked up what is apparently the "lifestyle pick-me-up Melbourne's been waiting for!" this afternoon, on the way home from uni - the free, oft-equated-to-toilet-paper newspaper, MX. Headlining today's edition was the tagline "Red-faced bandit", and the front page article proceded to tell me about how a bank robber who made off with a cash bag from a National Bank, but didn't realise that said cash bags had dye bombs built in to counter such robberies. Bomb explodes, robber gets bright red paint all over his clothes, skin and all of the cash. Here's where the fun begins.

Apparently the Police Inspector at the scene was somewhat a wag. That, or he is a dad, because the humour he came out with was rather father-esque:

"Police Inspector Craig Walsh called for anyone finding red cash to call police.

'We'd like to catch him red-handed if possible,' he said.

'He was the only guy in Balaclava wearing a balaclava today.' "