a letter to a friend

...So tonight I'll do something I haven't done for a while. I'll pray. And one of the things I'll do is pray for you. I'll pray for you, whatever you're doing, wherever you are, whatever you are up against. And I pray that the amazing, intelligent, wise and beautiful girl that I know will shine through in all circumstances, and through that both face any challenges life presents with confidence, as well as shining the light of Christ to all of those she comes in contact with. Because I know they'd be greatly blessed and lucky to get to know who you are.

I look up to you, I really do. You're amazingly gifted and talented in ways that I could never hope to be - and those that I do try in, I am but a shadow compared to the brilliance of your skills. And you have such an amazing loyalty to your friends that I admire so much. So I pray you'll continue to grow in those ways, and that your faith and loyalty to your friends will be something that sets you apart from others.

I really get frustrated at myself, sometimes, when I talk to you. You're an amazing person, there's so much I'd love to learn about you, and talk to you about, but I find myself most of the time just being a silly immature kid, hiding behind the silliness and flirting. I hide behind them, because they allow me to direct attention away from what is really going on. And what lies beneath is by far a lot less sure or certain.

I don't know who I am anymore. I turn inwards to try and find who I really am, what part of me is the real me, and not the characters and constructs I have built up around me over the years, even over only the last few. So much of who I am has been taken over by what I have created myself to be, someone a lot more confident and sure of themselves than they really are; someone who actually knows what is going on, someone who is in touch with God and is yearning after His heart. And while I do struggle at times to find out what lies beneath it all, at the sum of who I am, I know that it's not what I have built myself up to be. My faith has been motionless for far too long to continue to blame it on an old relationship turning sour. The fact of the matter is I haven't spent any decent time in prayer, or studying the Word, or even just spending time in the presence of God for the better part of two years now. Somehow, somewhere along the way I got distracted from what was really important, and while I was neglecting these things, I was stripped back, broken down and crushed to my core. And while I thought that I could just turn around and ask for help, I realised that I'd crossed a line that I had to re-cross to be able to do anything about it. The problem is I've never had the courage to make that step.

When I spend the time to get inside the construct of my person, it shames me how much I lack as a person. I lack the ability to be as good a friend as I would want to be. I lack the ability to love as I would like to. And along the way, I've lost the ability to be able to sit and talk with almost anyone and talk for hours. It shows in the physical too. It scares me when I realise that I now have problems getting words out in the right order, clearly and understandable - something I never used to have. I used to be one of the clearest and most articulate speakers I knew. And now, whether it be with friends, strangers or clients, I'll stumble my way through sentences, and take several goes to get a phrase out the right way around. Something has happened along the way, and it scares me.

Somewhere inside me, the real me is dying to get out. He is in there; I know he has not been entirely diminished. And while I know my conversation has been shallow, circular, and entirely repetitious, I'm asking for you to help me. When you're talking to me, don't let me get caught in that trap. Encourage me. Guide me. Rebuke me. Remind me of the better life I once led, the life fulfilled in Christ. Point me in the right direciton, and pray that I'll get there. Because a life this ordinary and meaningless scares me. It really does.