heat effects

I'm telling you, there are some benefits from having a screwed up body. My knee tells me when the weather's going to change.

Of late, the things with my body have been mounting up and up. My hip tally now stands at X-rays, an MRI scan, and two CT scans. Today saw me running back to Victoria House Medical Imaging to get the second run of CT scans done - the guy forgot to do a section yesterday when I was in. Apparently I might have a twisted femur. Fun.

In good news, surgery has been booked. 27th of February, 2006 will see me going under to have the torn labrum fixed, as well as possibly having some of the top of the femur shaved off.

In not so good news, Cozza decided to once again remind me how painful arthroscopies are last night, which has me wincing already. I'm planning on taking the whole week off, and setting up camp and Mum & Dad's house, and sending them in for DVDs every couple of days. I don't know - it's one of those weird things that I'm both looking forward to, and entirely dreading.

And in closing news, my Orthapedic Surgeon has decided to take holidays until mid-late January, so I won't find out for a few weeks whether or not my bones are getting shaved. Thank goodness the medical professionals make sure they take enough time to ensure they are fully rested and recovered, before starting back for the year come February.

stranger kindness

I've realised that over the past week, something has been happening that has been completely unexpected. Although, unexpected is not entirely the right word. It's simply something I've never really thought about.

Today I realised it though, when a lady on the street asked me for my help. Her car key had broken off her keyring, and had fallen under her car, and she wasn't able to reach it. She asked me to see if I could reach it for her - which I could - and with a simple "that's alright" in response to her thanks, I just kept walking along Russel St.

It made me think about just these random occurances where I've had the opportunity to help a total stranger in their moment of need. The day before, I was able to lift a lady's pram up a small flight of stairs that she was struggling to negotiate by herself; last week I was able to help a lady with her car in the carpark at work. Seemingly all of a sudden these chances have happened, and I've been able to help out, and just be that totally random smiling guy who is more than happy to help where he can. My question, though, is whether I'm supposed to be learning something from this? Because it does keep happening.

mid-summer night's dream

Summer is here, and the nights are waiting.

I find myself staying up later and later, the curse of a man without day-time employment. However, it's not all bad. The new housemate has a rather nice DVD collection, and doesn't seem to notice when I watch them in my room at 2am. So the nights aren't all that boring.

I'm slipping into a routine that's not too fun. Life's that little bit too....convenient. Things fall into place for me. I don't have any major job developments, but I'm managing for the moment with added photography contracts. And I just get the feeling that if I stay in this groove for too long, it's not going to be the best for me.

And to be honest, I miss a fair few people I haven't had contact with over the past few weeks. Must change that. Must get ADSL on. Must ring and abuse iinet.

there's a intergalactical wormhole in my extractor

Seriously. I'm at work tonight doing the front entrance, steam cleaning all the matts. And for the first few minutes, I'm pumping out a few litres of water as steam, and sucking it all back in. And nothing's going into my extractor. All that water can't be sitting in my pipes.

There's some poor unhappy sod somewhere out there in the multiverse, who all of a sudden gets dumped the rancid waste-water containing the dirt of thousands of people's feet all over his head.

Poor chap.

Incidentally, I now live in St Kilda, am the proud owner of one tenth of a lens hood for my BMF lens, and have graduated. But that's just inner-page matter.

australian pride

pop that national ego

Australia? A world-player? Hardly.

Interesting map of the world based on population sizes. Shows you just how small we really are. And how quite severely outnumbered we are.

quack goes the penguin

I should so be a duck right now

when you no longer recognise the man in the mirror

...it is time to go back and find out when you stopped being that man.

Do you ever catch a glimpse of your reflection, and take notice of how unfamiliar it looks at time?

I got thinking tonight about how much I have changed - from what I should be. Sure, change can be and is a good thing, and I embrace a lot of the change I've gone through over the last couple of years - but there are some things I've lost in the changing that I shouldn't have. What Andrew was preaching about tonight reminded me of what I have lost.

Joy. Have I lost the joy from my life? To some extent I'd plead a 'no', but the inherent joy that I used to experience is no longer there. Is that a part of maturing? I don't know. That's the problem with maturing by yourself - is not knowing whether things are normal. And I really should find someone to talk to - but that's part of the problems. More on that later though. But joy - is that smile on my face as often as it used to be? Do I wander around seeing the joy, the wonder in things as I once used to? At times I do, but at other times, it's the last thing I feel like. Am I just losing my innocence and naievety? Or have I let go of that joy I held onto so tightly?

One of the things I have noticed, however, is how I no longer share as willingly or as openly as I used to. There used to be a time where when I was with ppl I knew and trusted, I'd just out there with stuff. Now...I struggle with that. Especially with my Small Group - and there's no reason I should. I know that those people offer nothing but love and support...but there's something that stops me from sharing.

I've drawn more inward - it's another one of those things that has changed. Where I used to rely on my friends to keep me sane and supported, I find that I don't really have that any more. I went through a stage where I lost pretty much all of the close friends I had, and have never really gained such close friends to replace them. I have gotten to know some awesome people since then, and are really good friends with them, but they're not the kind of people I could knowingly call at 3am if I had a problem or needed prayer. Losing those friends was the beginning of becoming a lot more self-sufficient emotionally, which has taught me various things. But I also think it has caused some problems. Two problems that have surfaced predominantly, that may be linked more closely than I'd like to let myself believe.

Pride is something that keeps popping up more and more and more. Part of me tells me that I need to have this perfect front up for people to see, the strong Burkie that has it all together, has life all sorted out, and is just riding the efforts of his hard work. Below the surface, it's far from that - the real Burkie is riding something, but he doesn't know where it is, where it's taking him, or even what is in that direction. In all honesty, I don't know what's going on with my life most of the time, where it's heading, why it's heading in those possible directions, or even where it could end up. I have no idea what things are in store for me, and part of that bugs the hell out of me.

Yet even with all this uncertaintly, I still feel the need over and over to keep up the front that Burkie has it all together. At church especially, when I'm sitting in my seat, rocked to my core, there's that part of me that refuses to give in, and let me show that I don't have it together; that I don't know the answers to the questions, and that I need help figuring it out. That I need help even identifying what the questions are.

And I can't help but get the impression that this is linked oh-so-closely to the fact that I hardly ever pick up my bible when it's not to carry it to church, and hardly ever pray any more than when I'm in trouble and need help. This has gone on for....too long. I'd be lying if I said it was a problem that had been confined to this year. I can even really identify a point where it came to a crux where it really bothered me - and that was in Malaysia with Mum in June/July 2004. That's how long this has been going on - me existing as a shell of a man of sorts. It's like teh whole spiritual side of me is pretty much dead. Sure, it has its moments. And turning up to church is good, and good things happen. But in the silence by myself? There's nothing. It's such a struggle to just step across the chasm that I've created between God and myself. There's a wall I've put up without realising, and now I'm faced with the problem of working out how to rip it down again.

And I need to rip it down. It's too often now that I find myself thinking about how I've become the way I am....and just who I have become. I have no idea any more of who I am, or who I'm supposed to be. It just seems like all touchstones have been hidden, and I need to find them.

I guess this is the first step of sorts. In swallowing some of that growing pride and admitting that I need help figuring this out. It's gone on far too long, but I've also let it go way too long to make a resolution to change my ways - I don't have any faith in myself to be able to do so. I feel like I need people to come along side me and help me. The only problem is, I don't know what I need to do.